Sway: communicating with sway in our relationships
This photo illustrates everything I want to share about having sway in relationships: the four dear friends deeply connected, their arms wrapped tight, embracing, girding, protecting, and yet separate, each individual freely expresses their own, joy, mischief, exuberance.
In this series we have been playing with techniques to cultivate sway in our bodies, our content, and our work. A deep grounding, like tree roots, allows for strong branches to dance with the elements. How does this principal apply to relationships? How do we create relationships that sway, adapt, change, relationships that are deeply grounded, yet responsive to the dynamic elements of life?
Once again, we start with the roots: skills, practices, and techniques that give us, as individuals, a grounded sense of self. Without that, we are at the whim of the elements.
I’ve just finished a year-long program called, The Foundations of Well-Being with Rick Hanson. In this wonderful program, Rick talks through the science, theories, and ancient wisdoms that undergird his program. I love these mini lectures—some of them confirming what I’d read and studied, some of it completely new to me, all of it intuitively in sync with my lived experience. But it is not his lectures that strengthened and grew my roots. Though learning and intellectual curiosity are powerful tools for change, it was the daily practices, over time, that moved me from understanding to being; I am simply stronger, more grounded, less reactive, far less angry, and far more effective. Like the farmer planting her seeds, row after row, wild things take root.
So, in order to have sway in our relationships, we cultivate deep roots in our selves.
We start with LOVE and FRIENDSHIP:
How to make friends. And another one on making friends! And one on being UN-Lonely!
Then, we put the focus on OTHERS:
We ask questions that connect us
We ask for a different question if the one presented leaves us with only Yes or No when speaking of unfathomable mysteries.
We LISTEN and pay attention:
While having good BOUNDARIES:
And sometimes, have to let go.
We watch ourselves to make sure we are DOING OUR BEST:
We are gracious when receiving a compliment or gift.
And here are behaviors to watch out for and AVOID:
John Gottman’s work on couples and what to avoid is very helpful.
And of course, Anger, direct and pure anger, as opposed to the twisted forms of anger above, is JUST FINE!