Communication Catastrophes: complaint, criticism, and cutting off
This week we play with consciously avoiding Complaint, Criticism, and Cutting-off—in all interactions from team meetings to dinner conversations.
If the goal is to converse, communicate, and connect, these three Communication Catastrophes serve only to negate others, create anger and resentment, and to splinter groups.
The first thing is to become aware of our own patterns. With awareness comes change. Notice when we complain, criticize, or cut-in when someone else is speaking. Even those of us with eye-rolling teenagers can give this a go!
This week: consciously avoid complaining, criticizing, and cutting others off when they are speaking. Then, notice how our relationships shift.
Next week: we go further and substitute Communication Catastrophes with Communication Charmers!
We have two teenagers. Which means we rarely see our roommates, even while quarantining together. And knowing that the days go slow and the years go fast, we wanted to find time to connect, to share our interests, our passions, our histories, and just hang out. Together. As a family. The idea was this: each person gets a night that is theirs to craft. We all have to do what that person chooses, from playing Wii to watching nature documentaries, from charades to dance parties, from looking at family photo albums to conversing over a puzzle . At first, the teens refused. No way. Too boring. I have homework/gaming/friends/a life. Then, we added, “You can choose dinner! Even drive-through Cain’s!” Done.
There was one more thing we needed in order to make these nights really work. One rule: NO COMPLAINING or CRITICIZING. No complaining about the black and white movie, no criticizing the chick flick, no complaining about the beige meal or criticizing Top 40 music. No whining (my least favorite form of complaint) about the monotony of Monopoly (my least favorite game).
This rule so dramatically changed the experience of being together, that we had to face the reality that our normal interactions must be riddled with complaint and criticism.
John Gottman talks about the difference between complaint and criticism. Criticism is more toxic to relationships as it globalizes—”you always, you never.” Whereas, complaint is specific—“you left the dishes in the sink.” But, let’s face it, both suck. It’s just not fun to be around a lot of complaint and criticism. And I would add to that, a third C: Cutting-off. We all know what it feels like to be in the middle of a presentation or story and someone cuts us off, shuts us down, and shifts the conversation or topic. We feel negated. These three Cs, deaden conversations, team meetings, interviews, whole evenings, and given free-reign, relationships.
If we consciously avoid complaint, criticism, and cutting-off, we might have better meetings, conversations, and relationships. And we’d certainly have more fun!
I’d love to know how this goes for you!