My friend, Dana Ainsworth, created something called, The Wonder Club. She curates experiences to bring us back to a sense of wonder. Her events are heavily structured and developed in advance so that we are effortlessly tossed into a wild, chaotic, whimsical moment of deep connection with ourselves and with the group. That, is sway. Again, we start with structure in order to find freedom. What are the structures, the skills and techniques, we practice so that we communicate with sway in our lives? can tell you mine…Read on.

One of the many things I have learned from Dr. Jim Coan is that, unlike Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which are contorted anger, direct expression of anger is…just fine. In fact, it is probably very healthy to get angry, directly, rather than holding it in, which can lead pretty quickly to more toxic behaviors like criticism and contempt.

What does direct anger look like? According to Jim Coan, direct anger simply means, “STOP! Enough! Basta! No more!” It is putting up a hard boundary that says, “NO! No more, absolutely not.” Usually this kind of direct anger comes after every other tool in the chest has been used to no avail.

What does it feel like? Read on…

We’ve been digging into John Gottman’s work, specifically what he calls The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, or the four behaviors most correlated with toxic relationships.

Last week we looked at Defensiveness.

This week we look at Criticism. Criticism is a global attack, often using words like, “never,” “always,” and often invites defensiveness. Gottman makes the distinction between criticism and complaint: “A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, but criticism attacks a person’s very character.”

I’d like to add another distinction between “complaint” (a specific request) and “complaining” (whining). Whining did not make it into the Four Horsemen, but it sure is a connection killer, if you ask me.

See if you can distinguish between criticism (global personal attack) and complaint (direct request), below. Read on…

In exploring John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, I begin with Defensiveness mostly because it is the one I find most common in my own relationships and interactions. Yes, indeed. Why? Because I want everyone to love me and I’m always right. A perfect recipe for defensiveness.

Gottman notes that defensiveness is usually a response to criticism (we’ll get to that!).

Importantly, Gottman reminds us that “being defensive never helps to solve the problem at hand.” Defensiveness does not work! It does not solve the problem! It only serves to dig deeper into the conflict.

What does Gottman advise as an antidote to defensiveness?  “The antidote is to …read on.

Though John Gottman’s research focuses on romantic partnerships, I find his work very useful when thinking about all sorts of interactive communications: tense conversations, co-parenting, parenting, facilitation, interviews, community meetings. Gottman’s Four Horses of the Apocalypse are particularly useful; these are the behaviors Gottman has found to most negatively impact relationships. Of course, we all fall into these behaviors sometimes! They key is to notice when they dominate interactions and practice their antidotes when possible. In heightened, high-stakes interactions where we need to influence others, gain momentum, create coalitions, change systems, ignite ideas, or overcome obstacles, avoiding these behaviors is an essential skill.

Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are: defensiveness, criticism, stonewalling, and read on…

This week, we consciously introduce the 3 Communication Charmers: Curiosity, Contribution, and Commitment. When we proactively get Curious, Contribute to the conversation, and Commit to being present and paying attention, we generate creativity, trust, and connection.

Give it a go and see what changes…!

This week we play with consciously avoiding Complaint, Criticism, and Cutting-off—in all interactions from team meetings to dinner conversations.

If the goal is to converse, communicate, and connect, these three Communication Catastrophes serve only to negate others, create anger and resentment, and to splinter groups.

The first thing is to become aware of our own patterns. With awareness comes change. Notice when we complain, criticize, or cut-in when someone else is speaking. Even those of us with eye-rolling teenagers can give this a go!

This week: consciously avoid complaining, criticizing, and cutting others off when they are speaking. Then, notice how our relationships shift.

Next week: we go further and substitute Communication Catastrophes with Communication Charmers!