Anger

One of the many things I have learned from Dr. Jim Coan is that, unlike Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which are contorted anger, direct expression of anger is…just fine. In fact, it is probably very healthy to get angry, directly, rather than holding it in, which can lead pretty quickly to more toxic behaviors like criticism and contempt.

What does direct anger look like? According to Jim Coan, direct anger simply means, “STOP! Enough! Basta! No more!” It is putting up a hard boundary that says, “NO! No more, absolutely not.” Usually this kind of direct anger comes after every other tool in the chest has been used to no avail.

What does it feel like? I can only speak for myself, but the Four Horsemen get stuck in my body—my jaw, my belly, my throat tense up. And anger, pure, clear anger, flows through me hot and strong. It does not linger. It has no regrets and no misinterpretations.

Twisted anger sounds like the Four Horsemen: sarcastic, critical, demeaning, devaluing, snide. Direct anger sounds like a force for clarity.

In this line of work I have read every book on communication, from “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” to “Getting to Yes,” and every iteration of Candid, Difficult, Fearless, and Crucial Conversations.

The one book that actually changed my behavior and therefore my relationships, was Harriet Lerner’s, “Dance of Anger." It was written with women in mind, but all genders, all people, can benefit from learning how to have a voice that is strong and true and clear. Anger is part of being human, so when we learn how to express anger directly, we give ourselves a voice, we give ourselves a SELF.

Now that we’ve had some time to notice when the Four Horsemen rear their heads, it’s time to play with expressing anger directly. It’s OK.