Contempt: from eye-rolling to sarcasm
According to John Gottman:
“Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. It must be eliminated.”
In Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, contempt is by far the most toxic to relationships. Contempt is characterized by being brutally mean in a way intended to make the other person feel “despised and worthless.” Behaviors such as mocking, ridiculing, name calling, mimicking, eye-rolling, sneering, scoffing, all code as contempt. Notice the facial expression in the accompanying photo of Dr. Jim Coan modeling contempt: one side of the mouth is raised in a sneer. There is a sense of superiority and distaste, almost disgust.
Gottman and Coan looked at couples. But we all know that contempt sneaks into the work place, certainly into politics, and more and more into what used to be simple disagreements. If contempt is the most toxic behavior in intimate relationships, it is certainly toxic elsewhere.
What does Gottman prescribe as the antidote? Building “a culture of appreciation and respect.”
He gives us two helpful strategies:
Use the “magic ratio” of 5:1, meaning 5 positive interactions to 1 negative interaction.
“Small things often,” which means small, simple gestures of gratitude, generosity, kindness.
How do we translate this for the corporate world?
Always start with what’s working, notice and express all the things that connect us.
Small gestures over time build trust.
This week, notice your own lip curl, eye-roll, sarcastic remark and think about softening, finding things to love in yourself and others.