How to Say No

Last week, I mentioned how my friend, Selena, taught me how to say, YES. She also taught me how to say NO, when she put clear boundaries around her work time, which is something we gig workers often neglect to do. In her words:

“The ‘no’ was hard to get to because I loved the expansion of the ‘yes.’ Before, my ‘no’ was situated in fear and lack. Now my ‘no’ is situated in valuing and honoring what I have said ‘yes’ to previously. And that I have said ‘yes’ to myself as worthy of focus and attention…’Yes’ has begat more yesses in my life as well as some solid, soul affirming nos."

Ultimately, saying NO is simply setting a clear boundary.

We say no to say, “stop.” We say no to say, “enough.” We say no to say, “this is my time/space/body/voice/energy/priority/choice.” Saying no, is not being mean or rejecting others. It is simply creating clarity. And clarity is good for everybody involved.

There are three different kinds of NO I want to explore: the Structural NO, the Yes-NO-Yes, and the Definitive NO.

The Structural NO

I’ve been struggling to dig deep into two creative projects on top of my client work. My un-spoken-for time seems to wisp away in clouds of errands and emails. I’m a very good errand-doer. I can get an enormous number of tiny things checked off of my list and my “reply” speed can’t be beat. I mean, it’s important to grocery shop and schedule vet appointments, but my creative projects need to have a solid, valued, place in my life, as well.

And in order to do this, I need to first create a Structural NO. A Structural NO is an external boundary.

My friend, Deb, told me about reaching out to the author Barbara Kingsolver. The only way to reach her is by writing a letter to a PO Box! This is a perfect example of a Structural NO: “No, I am not at your disposal.” What a clear boundary around her time and space! I felt that gnawing in my gut like a sign that tells me, “I want that! I want that clarity of time and space, that boundary, that resonating NO.”

In search of strategies to help me, I read the book, Deep Work by Cal Newport in which he makes the case for uninterrupted, screen-free time to do deep work. He gives plenty of examples of the Structural NO in order to cultivate generative time and space: work retreats, sacred work spaces, screen fasts. And he practices what he preaches, just take a look at his “Contact” page. Is there a way to reach him directly?

The structural challenges to my deep work are many: during Covid I’ve been working at home, which means my “office” is also the linen closet, laundry room, and suddenly an irresistible place to lounge, it seems. And having the kids do school from home, means my work time is no longer bracketed by the departure and arrival of the school bus. Thankfully, these external obstacles can be managed by the Structural NO: I can lock my door, work at a cafe, activate Freedom on my computer so I don’t fritter my time away on social media.

It’s the internal obstacles I find more vexing. My heart and head have a harder time saying no. I feel porous around my family, like my body and time are not my own. Aside from client work, my personal needs (exercise, daydreaming) are the first to go when someone needs a ride, a meal, a clean soccer jersey. And as for my head, I feel like something of a cyborg as parts of my brain are outsourced to my phone, resulting in a vague fuzziness around deep and focused work. How can I say ‘no’ without hurting others? How can I say ‘no’ when my mind wanders to my To Do list? How can I prioritize my important work without guilt? This brings me to the second No: Yes-No-Yes.

The Yes-NO-Yes

Years ago I asked my husband, Hal, for advice. I wanted to say no to a friend and didn’t know how to do that without hurting the relationship. He, lovingly, paraphrased a book for me on how to say no:

Yes. No. Yes.

1) (Yes) You are really important to me.

2) (No) I can’t come to your (birthday, baby shower, wedding)

3) (Yes) Is it possible to find a time for just the two of us to have an adventure?

At work it might sound more like:

1) (Yes) I understand that you are new to the job and would love some guidance in writing the report.

2) (No) I’m not able to take this on just now, but...

3) (Yes) I know just the person to work with you on this.

In public meetings it might sound more like:

1) (Yes) I hear your concern and it is important.

2) (No) We don’t have time to dig deep into this today, but…

3) (Yes) Let’s meet after my presentation and if you have any more concerns, we’ll find a time to meet.

I’m sure we’ve all experienced this kind of NO and felt like it was a YES!

My father had an assistant whom he adored. He used to say that “Marie can say ‘no’ in a way that makes people feel she’d given them a gift.” How did she do it? She offered a Yes-No-Yes.

1) (Yes) Dr. Bennis would love to be involved with your conference.

2) (No) He’s not available for an in-person event, but...

3) (Yes) He’d be happy to send along a personalized video.

The Definitive NO

My friend, the renowned neuroscientist, Dr. Jim Coan, says that anger, pure and direct anger, (not to be confused with more toxic forms of anger he and John Gottman study like contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling) is simply saying NO! STOP! No more! Absolutely not, no way, never, NO! Basta! And sometimes that is exactly what we need to say in order to make ourselves eminently understood. An unwavering, unequivocal, unapologetic, NO. It feels so good!

This week, play with the many ways to set clear boundaries by saying NO!