Sometimes we are afraid to ask important questions because we do not want to know the answers. This is common in close relationships, as well as at work. And if the status quo is fine, then why take the risk? However, sometimes we need to summon the courage to ask these questions in order for a relationship to grow, in order for new opportunities to arise. Of course, we risk something when we ask questions that open us up to others. We may be rejected, we may get a clear “no” in response, the relationship may not be strong enough to bear the answers, we may change the nature of the relationship; we may feel exposed, vulnerable, even ashamed. There are many very good reasons not to ask certain questions. But what is at stake if we do not? We have to ask this of ourselves, as well. What do we risk if we never put into words those things we most would love to have? We might risk having a deeper relationship, a promotion, a connection, an opportunity.

This week, make a list ...Read on.

“Vocation is the place where our deep gladness meets the world’s deep need.”

—Frederick Buechner--

This practice can apply to any kind of interview where we (feel) we are being chosen for something—jobs, schools, internships. All of these situations set up a power dynamic—the chooser and the chosen—that can rattle us, make us feel desperate, make us feel like we have to brag about ourselves and our accomplishments. We can fall into the “pick me!” mentality, rather than picking ourselves.

Please let that go.

Aside from the basics (to make enough money, to get experience and education), why are we applying for this opportunity? Usually, it is to find a great fit for what we want, what they want, what we have to offer, what they have to offer.

RESEARCH

Well before the interview...Read on.

Last week we talked about picking ourselves, not waiting on the side-lines for someone to notice us, stepping up, raising our hands. This week, we find ways to recognize and pick others. Think about the times we have been picked. It’s a profound gift when someone we respect sees us, or sees a quality in us, and gives us a chance to grow into that possibility. When my father, Warren Bennis, interviewed John Gardener in his book Geeks and Geezers, Gardener talked about being tapped by President Kennedy to be Secretary of Health, Education, and Welfare. He had been a professor of at Mount Holyoke College and had no political ambitions. He said something like, “It was as if I had been waiting to see what life could pull out of me.” While at HEW, Gardener created…Read on.

This week I was honored to witness an almost indescribable panoply of great communicators. We started with a hybrid virtual/in-person Warren Bennis Leadership Institute Council meeting with 30 people, which included Tom Peters, Ken Blanchard, Joline Godfrey, Joan Goldsmith, Pat Zigarmi, Doug Conant, Ken Cloke, Cynthia Cherrey, Bob Castellini, Dick Thornburgh, Raj Sisodia, and Betsy Myers. As the Chair of the Council, my job was to introduce this esteemed group to the University of Cincinnati’s WBLI leadership team, internal Advisory Board, and student leaders. We could have gone on for days. The enthusiasm and generosity of the Council members filled the room with love: they shared their stories about Dad/Warren, about their passion for leadership development, and the extraordinary moment we find ourselves in today when great leaders are the critical ingredient on all fronts: political, environmental, societal, global, and economic. From there, we moved to a panel discussion with …Read on.

Joan Goldsmith, a dear friend, co-author, and colleague of my father’s, recently found a typed copy of this essay while cleaning out her files. Dad’s words here compel us to make the connection between Leadership and Art. The essay was not published when he wrote it in 2002, but was included in the book, The Essential Bennis, followed by comments from Glenn Close. Dad loved the theater and I was lucky enough to benefit from his enthusiasm—we saw A Chorus Line on Broadway and Cats on the West End. His favorite author was Shakespeare of whom he said, “Every time I read Shakespeare, he’s learned something new!” He once said that Falstaff (“a fat, vain, and boastful knight, he spends most of his time drinking at the Boar's Head Inn with petty criminals, living on stolen or borrowed money”) was the first executive coach, sent by King Henry IV to prepare his son for the throne. Love that. Dad always connected Leadership and theater…and so do I. He wrote an article in Bloomberg called, Acting the Part of Leader and wrote the introduction to the book, Leadership Presence by Kathy Lubar and Belle Halpern, both performers who started the Ariel Group. I have to thank my father for so eloquently making the case for the work I do—using the skills and techniques of the theater to help people communicate as their full selves in the world. Here, he lays it all out for us. Enjoy…Read on.

A few quick things to do before any interview…Read on.

I still perseverate with regret about the time my dad gave an entire speech IN THE DARK! It was at the Harvard Kennedy School for about 100 people. He stepped behind the podium and into the shadows. Thank goodness he had a mellifluous voice to carry the rest of the audience with him. My mind, though, was whirring! How do I fix this? Do I ask someone? Who’s in charge here? Do I just start flicking all the light switches? Do I mime, “MOVE!! Shift to the right!” or stage whisper, “DAD! WE CAN’T SEE YOU!” Do I simply walk onto the stage and nudge him over or move the podium or…?” I did nothing. Thus, the ruminating. However, I vowed to be proactive and make sure future speakers, whether known to me or not, are IN THE LIGHT! For TED Talks, the hottest lights are aimed at the famous red circular rug on stage, showing the speaker where to stand. At our Charlottesville TEDx we encourage our speakers to use the whole stage, as long as they know the center red dot is their sweet spot. And, if they want to use the aisles or sit on the edge of the stage, we ask the tech crew if it is possible to make this happen. (They always say YES! Great thanks to JF Legault and The AV Company!) One year, we wanted a few of our coaches to start the event by reading poetry from different seats all over the 1000-person theater. JF and his crew set the lights in advance so that we knew our actors would be seen. In this photo by Edmond Joe, you see Mercedes Herrero reading her poem, lit up and radiant. A few years ago… Read on.

My father moderated a panel discussion of Nobel Laureates at Arcosanti. When he looked out into the audience, he noticed that everyone seemed bored, tired, hot. So, he moved the panel off the stage and into the audience. By changing the space, he changed the dynamic, and the speakers and audience came alive! My dad owned the space and used that sense of ownership to enhance the audience’s experience. Whenever I walk into a new performance, presentation, or training space, I explore every nook and cranny: the back row, the balcony, the banquet tables, the risers, the stage, the conference table, the backstage, the orchestra pit, the closest seats, the farthest seats, the exits and entrances. I sit, stand, run, hop, inhale, and allow myself to inhabit the space. The Ariel Group has a wonderfully simple exercise we used in our corporate trainings: …Read on.

At a memorial service for my father at the University of Cincinnati, a man, now in his 60s, told a story I’d never heard. Every week for four years, my father hired a student to drive him 1.5 hours to Columbus to meet with the Ohio State University system and the Governor. One week, the Ohio system would present their arguments for denying the University of Cincinnati entrance into the system. The next, my father would present his position. This man, then a student/driver, remembered a week when the Ohio System reps spoke with slides and graphs and mimeographed handouts for 2.5 hours. The next week, my father spoke for less than two minutes saying something like: “The purpose of higher education is to… Read on.

Great leaders compel others to struggle together towards a shared vision.

Great leaders work for the good of others; mostly, for those who have the least power.

Therefore, great leaders must be great communicators.

Politicians and those in the public eye often have a team of advisors who prepare them for debates, press conferences, media interviews, and speeches. These advisors focus on things like strategy, speech writing, and talking points. When I work on such a team, my job is to make sure that the speaker’s message is congruent with the speaker’s delivery. I focus on how the content is performed through expression, gesture, body-language, and voice.

Any of you following this blog know that my work with clients is not prescriptive; rather, our work focuses on freeing the speaker to be their full selves—alive, powerful, at ease, appropriate, and riveting. Rather than using a list of rules (“stand like this,” “don’t do that,” “lean in here”), we work towards…Read on

My father, Warren Bennis, believed that great leaders are made, not born. And I believe that great speakers are made, not born. Great speakers are practicing skills and techniques, whether they learned them from acting teachers, by watching others, or through play as a child (and adult!).

Dad was a wonderful speaker. Here are a few of the things I learned from him about public speaking…Read on.

Which of these flowers do you like the most? Which is the most beautiful? Which is the oldest? Youngest? Which is the best, smartest, most fragrant, most handsome, wittiest, strongest? Side-by-side, which do you choose?

My father warned me to beware comparison, ANY comparison. Even if it sounds harmless. He believed that even the most casual, complimentary, banal, kind, seemingly non-judgmental comparison, was harmful. And sure enough, every time I hear myself comparing people, even just to notice the difference (tall/short…Read on…

What’s at stake when we do not communicate our vision directly? As leaders, it is our responsibility to hold the vision and communicate it clearly and often, while also trusting our teams to be expert in their own realms. If we do not find this balance, we risk misunderstanding, internal squabbles over siloed priorities and resources, and wasted time and energy spent moving in the wrong direction.

As an actor in a play, I see things subjectively, from my character’s point of view. The theater director holds the vision, sees the big picture. They are two different jobs. The director has to allow the actor to discover and develop their character within the vision and world of the play as the director sees it. This is a tricky dynamic, but an important one for all leaders to balance.

Many years ago I was in a profound and disturbing play called Thatcher’s Women about the women who took up prostitution in the 1980s during Thatcher’s reign to support their families. I played two characters, both sex workers. The sets were dark and moody with female body parts protruding. The feeling for the play was bleak, cold, and raw. We did a lot of exploration, visualizations, and exercises to “find” our characters. As my characters revealed themselves, the one who lived on the streets, really came alive for me. I saw her as gritty, messy, punk rock, sassy, sleeping in train stations and waking up with cigarette breath. Maybe not the most original image, but she emerged this way. Despite witnessing my character’s journey in rehearsal, I got the sense that the director didn’t like where I was going. Nothing I offered worked for her, yet she gave me no direction. Her slight look of contempt said it all. I felt negated at every turn, but my questions only received vague hints I could not decode. A week before opening I received my costume: I was to wear bubble-gum-pink fishnets, purple leather shorts, a multi-colored, sequined bustier with my hair teased high, red lip gloss, and an enormous pink bow. Where did this technicolor caricature come from?

Read on….

Ultimately, saying NO is simply setting a clear boundary.

We say no to say, “stop.” We say no to say, “enough.” We say no to say, “this is my time/space/body/voice/energy/priority/choice.” Saying no, is not being mean or rejecting others. It is simply creating clarity. And clarity is good for everybody involved.

There are three different kinds of “no” I want to explore: the Structural No, the Yes-No-Yes, and the Definitive No. Read on to play with saying NO!

I follow the work of New Yorker cartoonist, Liza Donnelly, and have been watching her drawings of tiny, quotidian moments in the lives of New Yorkers. This drawing arrested me with both its simplicity and its detail: the tilt of the dog’s head, paying attention to Liza as she draws, the man, eating a sandwich. She writes:

“To me, life is about the small things, the individuals. New York City is made up of so many wonderful individuals, in fact it’s what makes the city.”

The other day when I was trying to meditate, instead of letting my thoughts float by, I was caught by a deep longing to have work like Liza’s, work that demands that I simply stay still and pay attention—to be absorbed by others, by the poignant beauty that makes us human. Then I thought, but of course it does! Everyone is allowed to, invited to, pay attention to the world around us. My work is all about connecting with others. How can we possibly connect with others if we don’t take them in?

Read on for more on paying attention…we are all invited to witness our world with wonder.

I have a vivid memory:

We’re sitting outside eating dinner in that golden hour when the sun makes the world look like it’s been splashed with honey. My father gives me a compliment. I don’t even recall what it was. I just know that I batted it away, as I’d been taught somehow, somewhere, maybe TV? How did Mrs. Brady take a compliment? Mary Tyler Moore?

I already knew the script:

THEM:“Katie, you look so/sound so/are so_______. Your ______ is so _________.”

ME:“No, I’m not. It isn’t. It was just lucky. Did you notice that crack/mistake/mess?”

That night, my father gave me a different script:

Read on…

Have you ever given a talk, told a story, or had the same conversation one too many times? Although I will always push people to do Extreme Preparation, there are certainly situations when the content is so old it might become stale. In these moments, we can easily disconnect from our audience or partner or team and just, “phone it in” as we say in the theater. Meaning, we turn on the inner tape recorder and get back into bed mentally.

What are the skills we practice to keep communication alive? We trick ourselves into being present by changing things up, adding an element of abandon and play, welcoming disaster, moving to a new place physically, using a new intention, and, as always, reveling in the unknown that every person and audience brings.

This week, keep communication fresh by inviting in the unknown!

Here are my favorite examples of keeping it fresh! Read on…

Many people believe that authenticity involves complete transparency, blunt honesty, and talking about our wayward bodily functions in public. This nightmarish stream-of-consciousness behavior is not only destructive for the speaker, but the listeners may never recover. No, that is not authenticity. Authentic communication includes awareness of the other person and awareness of our own impact.

This week we practice being authentic while being appropriate. How? By being aware of our CRI: Circumstances, Role, and Intention.

My father, Warren Bennis, used to say that if we find someone boring, it means we are not asking the right questions. My father was never bored and found everyone utterly fascinating.

Your challenge this week:

Make a conversation interesting by asking new questions.

Here’s how my father worked his magic…

Every great communicator starts with an awareness of themselves in context, in relationship, in a dance with the world around them.

This week, be a first-class noticer.