Letting Go vs. Giving Up
This photo of the visual art performer, Laurel Jay Carpenter, is taken in Berlin at the Hebbel Theater in 2005.
Laurel taught herself the famous, “walking over the chair” trick in real time as part of the “Gifted Generation" exhibit curated by Marina Abramovič. In this clip you can hear the song, “Maybe This Time,” from Cabaret as it played on loop in the artist's head. Laurel sings softly along as if giving herself a pep talk as she falls, once more, to the ground.
Maybe this time? No? Maybe now? Maybe?
Our world values commitment, perseverance, grit, never giving up. And yet, sometimes the best, healthiest thing to do, is let go.
In a recent tea-time conversation with Susan McCulley, she used the phrase, “I let go of the rope” two times to describe moments when she…Gave up? Gave in? Walked away? Let go? Realized she was pushing, pulling, forcing something that was not going to happen? Indeed, Susan knew that she was making a strong and wise decision. She was not giving up. She was letting go.
So, how do we recognize the difference between giving up and letting go? How do we know when commitment and perseverance have run their course and it is time to drop the rope?
In social work school we often heard the term, “repetition compulsion,” used to describe the kinds of dysfunctional behaviors we continue to play out, even if we know we will never get what we want. For most of my life I held a false hope that “maybe this time” my mother would be on time, stick to commitments, adhere to a plan. One professor reframed this “dysfunction” as simple optimism. I loved that.
A therapist set me straight. Carol Munter, with her halo of gray hair, thick NY accent, and unfailing belief in me, said, after my whining about another situation where my mother was letting me down, “Your mother cannot give you what you want. I mean, maybe she can give you a gray sweater, if you ask for a gray sweater. But that’s about it.”
What freedom it was to let go of that rope I’d been vainly pulling my whole life! What freedom it allowed for me to love my mother for all that she COULD give me! A precious gift, to let go of my idea of what a mother should be, my wish for a certain kind of mother, or what I thought I needed, and to embrace the truly remarkable, wildly free and unfathomable person my mother was. When she picked me up at the airport, there were strangers in the car, late-night performances to attend, and no unpacking or dinner to be had! My life got so much easier when I let go of the rope of my expectation and walked into the unexpected.
This week, notice what behaviors, patterns of interactions, expectations, we can let go of. And drop the rope.
NOTICE repeated patterns that just don’t change and leave us disappointed, angry, frustrated.
ASK: Is this worth my time, energy, focus?
If not, let go of the rope.
Addendum 11.17.22
Just saw this book:
Quit: The Power of Knowing When to Walk Away by Annie Duke, a former professional poker player. Exactly what we are talking about. Brava, Annie!