Listening to Subtext
In this photo we have the ‘seen’ and the ‘hidden’ ,the sunlit tracks and the mysterious tunnel. In communication we see this dichotomy in the words we use, or the text, the ‘seen,’ and the true meaning, or the subtext, the ‘hidden.’ In a recent post, I talked about how Intention animates language and even changes its meaning; how we say something carries more weight than the words themselves. In fact, how we say something is sometimes in opposition to the what we are saying. Sometimes it sounds like people are “speaking in code,” saying one thing but meaning another.
What would happen if we answered and addressed the hidden, the subtext, rather than the spoken words? This is fun to play with.
The first skill to develop is listening for the subtext, often signaled by a strong feeling. For example, imagine someone says, “I’m fine!” The words, taken at face value, mean: “I am AOK, all good, great!” The same words spoken while furiously slamming a door, have different meaning.
The second skill is to respond, not to the words, but to the real meaning: “Gotcha. Let me know if you want to talk. I’m here.”
Subtext is tricky and often hard to decode. But listening for it is a beginning. Just noticing. Paying attention.
When working with a company that installs solar panels, the community engagement team often found themselves arguing with local communities about facts, logistics, costs and benefits of going solar. All the facts in the world did nothing to persuade certain constituents. The arguments could not be resolved by facts because the subtext, the real meaning of community members’ arguments, was emotional. There was frustration at having to let go, loss of autonomy, anger at a new landscape filled with solar panels instead of cows, fury at economic fragility, guilt for selling farms that had harvested the same crops for generations, fear of being hoodwinked by outsiders.
The conflict was not about solar energy. So what’s to be done? The best we can do is listen without defensiveness. Simply acknowledging the emotional truth without defending, convincing, or rationalizing. Just accepting the emotional, human truth, has a mysterious and magical way of evaporating seemingly intransigent conflicts. The real shift in trust often comes, not by resolving the conflict, but by sitting with the subtext, without trying to fix anything.
Next week, we dive into John Gottman’s work on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, the behaviors most toxic to relationships, starting with: defensiveness.
This week, listen for subtext, for the unspoken, the emotional truth and either speak to that or let it go and simply accept it.