When Concern Feels Like an Insult
Have you ever felt strangely insulted when someone voices their concern for you? Even if something is wrong. And especially when things are great!
“Are you OK? You look/seem (exhausted, like you’ve gained weight, worried, pale, etc.).”
As a mother of two teens, I find myself falling into this concern/insult trap far too frequently.
Questions like, “Have you got your (class schedule, phone, homework, lunch, mask, etc.)?” are really about my own anxiety and only serve to make my kids feel insulted, like I don’t trust them to either take care of things themselves or to recover when they don’t take care of things.
In their book, When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies, Carol Munter and Jane Hirschmann use the phrase “speaking in code” to refer to the well-meaning friends and relatives whose statements about us say more about their own anxiety than our reality.
In order to break the code, we can:
look beneath the words to find the intention
understand that the words say more about the person speaking than the person spoken to
remember that the words are often a projection of their own feelings
So let’s translate!
“Are you OK? You haven’t returned my calls and I’m getting worried.”
TRANSLATION ASSUMING A KIND INTENTION “I miss you.”
We can answer the subtext: “I’m so sorry! My life is so full right now. Let’s find a time to talk more regularly.”
“Are you OK? You don’t look well.”
TRANSLATION ASSUMING THEY ARE SHARING THEIR OWN FEARS “I’m terrified of getting sick.”
We can answer the subtext: “I know you worry a lot about your health, but let me assure you, I am taking great care of myself and am healthy.”
“Are you OK? You seem worried about going off to college.”
TRANSLATION WHEN THE SPEAKER IS PROJECTING THEIR OWN EXPERIENCE “I’m freaking out about you going off to college!”
We can answer, the subtext: “I’m really excited, Mom. Trust me, I’ll call you if anything comes up.”