All tricky conversations require respect for the others involved. Even if we do not have respect for their ideas or behavior, we bring respect for their humanity.

“It was much later that I realized Dad's secret. He gained respect by giving it. He talked and listened to the fourth-grade kids in Spring Valley who shined shoes the same way he talked and listened to a bishop or a college president. He was seriously interested in who you were and what you had to say.”

—Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot, Respect

Negotiation expert (and my husband), Hal Movius, reminds us that in negotiations we treat others…Read on.

A conversation that raises our heart rate, that leaves us flustered, that gives us a pit in our stomach or butterflies in our heart, is a tricky conversation. These will differ for everyone—flirting or asking for a raise can be hard for one of us and easy for another. But we all have moments when we feel the blood pumping and know something important is at stake.

The first thing we ask ourselves is: “Is this conversation worth the risk?” Then, “What is at risk if we DO NOT______ (disagree, ask for what we want, set a boundary)?”

Some of the hardest conversations to have are the ones we must have. There can be a dread or fury that lives in our own bodies, in our cells, that hurts us and calcifies over time, if we do not speak out. We think we can…Read on.

Vocal projection is simple: we simply speak with the intention to include everyone and adjust our voice to the space between us and others, as needed. When we speak with an intention that is for and includes the audience, our voice will carry effortlessly and appropriately to fill the space. Forcing our voices to be louder or softer just sounds…louder and softer. And can even hurt our vocal cords—yes, forcing a whisper can be painful.

I am reminded of an exercise we did in acting school. We were told to hold up one arm, straight out from our shoulder, while another student tried to push it down. Our only direction was to hold it up as strongly as possible. We struggled against the pressure for a few seconds until our arm folded. Next, we were told to imagine there was a strong current of water flowing up from the earth, through our legs, and powerfully shooting from our outstretched arm. Miraculously,…Read on.

I was working with an accomplished leader who moved to a new organization where she took on a bigger leadership role.  She was excited about the new job, but found herself physically shaking while speaking to the group.  She would forget where she was, had to refer to her notes, and the paper would rattle so loudly that her colleagues in the audience looked concerned.  She had never experienced anxiety in public speaking before. Now she panicked at the thought of her next team meeting or training.  Her panic mounted as the annual company retreat loomed closer. She would be introducing, moderating, and hosting the event in her new role, which, of course…Read on.

When things fall apart…fall in love! Yes, we embrace these opportunities to fail messily and find some way to beauty. In the same way that we embrace obstacles, when things fall apart, there is a chance to find something completely new if we allow it. The more prepared we are, the more we can improvise. Imagine a car mechanic having a car issue on the road vs me having the same issue. A car mechanic might find a bungee cord and a water bottle to boot-leg a leaking radiator. While I would be walking home.

In the same way, the more fluent we are…Read on.

It’s opening night.  I am standing in the shadows in my sturdy high-heels, nylons, and silky blue dress.  Waiting.  I am watching the stage manager introduce the show, reminding everyone to turn off their phones.  But I am certain that the only thing the audience can hear is the sound of my heart beating like a dark drum.  I look down at my chest expecting to see the fabric exploding with each thump.

I have done as much preparation as I can possibly do.  I take a few deep, calming breaths.  I remind myself that all of my monkey-mind thoughts are irrelevant.  Thoughts about expectation and who is in the audience and what if I forget my lines and what if I look ridiculous and what if I humiliate myself?…Read on.

“I have heard celebrated orators who could start thunders of applause without changing any man’s opinion.  Mr. Lincoln’s eloquence was of the higher type, which produced conviction in others because of the conviction of the speaker himself.”…Read on.

“When once a decision has been reached and execution is the order of the day, dismiss absolutely all responsibility and care about the outcome.”

--William James

“My center gives way. My right recedes. The situation is excellent.  I shall attack.”

—General Ferdinand Foch before WWI battle that saved Paris.

Not long ago, as I sat back stage, listening to the rustle of the audience and the pre-show music, a fellow actor asked if I was nervous. I answered, “No. I’m ready.”

I may even be a little addicted to that liminal…Read on.

INNER CRITICS

In my life and practice, it’s clear that many of us have pretty harsh inner-critics. In some cases, these critics keep us from doing the very things that might bring us happiness: asking someone out, competing for a job, writing that book, doing our very best, taking a risk.

In Rick Hanson’s work on mindfulness, he talks about inviting the “positive material” to take center stage and asking the “negative material” to step back. We are not negating the negative, merely strengthening the positive. If this negative material is a harsh critic, it means simply acknowledging its presence with a quick nod, “Hello, again,” and going all out to savor everything that is positive, life-affirming, fun, joyful, possible.

Looking back at my younger self, I’d say one of my biggest regrets is that I was not a…Read On.

As we move onto the stage, remember, there is a reason that some company or organization has paid to have a flesh and blood person brought into the room.  They pay for planes, trains, and Ubers.  They feed us, put us up in hotels. The reason they have paid to have a person right there in the room, is…Read on.

A couple of years ago I was at a conference when a friend, a member of the planning committee, mentioned that one of the panelists on main stage event had missed their plane. She scrambled to find a replacement to speak on the news media and was lucky enough to secure someone last minute. The others on the panel were quite famous. One, an elder statesman and frequent political commentator, the other a news anchor from a major network, and the moderator was a former CEO of a radio news outlet. The chairs on the enormous stage stood about seven feel apart, leaving Tara McGowan, the understudy, replacement, stand-in, center stage on an island all her own in an emerald green dress. I have no idea how old she is, but she looked to be about thirty.

The first question went out to the group and the jolly news anchor took the mic and launched in. He talked for quite a long time—maybe ten minutes—with nods and support from the elder statesman and the moderator. He regaled us with stories about his career and lectured us on the vital importance television. Tara McGowan, poised and still, watched as he talked and talked. Honestly, I wasn’t taking much in—he was full of bluster and self-congratulation, chuckling at his own jokes. My mind was wandering when a flash of green caught my attention. Tara McGowan had moved suddenly …Read on.

Once, while doing summer stock in a Vermont barn, a lovely but inexperienced actor said she simply couldn’t play the scene.  The gun she needed to wield was hidden in a purse on the opposite side of the stage.  How was she ever going to get it?  It just couldn’t be done.  End of play. 

All the other actors were thrilled:  A challenge! A creative pursuit!  An obstacle! 

“How about if you creep through the audience and back up on stage in the previous scene?” 

“How about if I, in character, get a coughing attack, take the purse and start digging …Read on.

Many businesses have both a Vision Statement, the aspirational WHAT we most wish for, and a Mission Statement, the HOW do we get there.  Apple Computers, known for their beauty and simplicity, had both components beautifully and simply stated in their original Vision Statement:

“To make a contribution to the world by making tools for the mind that advance humankind.”

The Vision, the aspirational WHAT is “to make a contribution to the world that advances mankind.”  And the HOW, the Mission, is “by making tools for the mind.”

It’s useful and fun to craft our own, personal Vision and Mission statements, our Purpose. They can serve as a North Star, a reminder of who we are and what we most value. They can also …Read on.

"Mastering the context is about understanding your place in the world. You have to understand the state of the world around you in order to enact change within the world and within yourself."

"The first step for any leader who wants to create a culture that generates intellectual capital is to understand the context of the organizational world we're living in today."

—Warren Bennis

As leaders, we absolutely must understand the context of the organization at that moment and the place of that organization in the larger context in order to lead with impact.

In theater, we call the context…Read on.

“When speaking to the audience, people are going to respond to you as you speak and when they do, look at them. If someone laughs, look their way, if someone sighs, see who did it.  If someone smiles, check them out.”

—Seth Barrish,”An Actor’s Companion.”

What I love about Seth’s direction for actors is that he does not tell us why we should look at the audience when they react. He just lays out what to DO, an intention.  Look at the audience when they respond to us.

I can guess what might happen.  Can you? …Read on.

I did a one-year online mindfulness course with Rick Hanson called “The Foundations of Well-Being.”  For me, the practices were life-changing; for the first time, I understood how short, daily mindfulness practices build up a sense of inner warmth and calm over time.

One practice comes back to me every January 1st when we formulate our dreams, resolutions, goals, for the next year: “Making Your Offering.”

Rick has us re-formulate our personal goals and dreams as offerings and gifts.

In this practice, Rick has us disconnect…Read on.

One of the greatest gifts we can give, and this is not hyperbole, is our attention.

In these posts, I’ve written about this in many ways: I’ve written of intention, which focuses our attention, we’ve talked about of the importance of knowing our audience and “the other” as we prepare for communication, we have touched on paying attention and listening, I wrote about “Blue Bathroom Coaching,” which reflects our coachees in a positive light, the Magical Ms. Busching who “gets” every one of her students, and I wrote about my father’s intention to be a “first class noticer.”

This week, we focus on all of those things; we focus on being a great audience so that others may bloom. It is that loving gaze, that absolute belief in us, that rapt attention, that deep engagement, that we emulate.

In order to be a great audience, we must disarm the impulse to…Read on.

I love working with my clients on pitches. We have only minutes to ignite others. There is something so clean and sharp about a pitch. The best are simple and passionate.

And they take a lot of work to craft, hone, and deliver with precision. Remember the quote from Blaise Pascal, “If I had more time, I would have written a shorter letter.” We want to have everything the audience needs to assess our idea or product, and leave them curious enough to want more.

Overall, the thing we want from a pitch is to be memorable. Those being pitched see many ideas, people, and pitches, so we want to both have an exciting idea and communicate it with all the skills we can cultivate.

Pitching is a lot like auditioning: it’s easy to fall into all-or-nothing thinking but in reality, it is…Read on.

“…if your spontaneous cheerfulness be lost, …sit up cheerfully and …act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there…So, to feel brave, use all of our will to that end, and a courage-fit will very likely replace the fit of fear.”

—William James.

There used to be a big split between the English method for acting and the American method. In the US, we adhered to Stanislavski’s method where we work from the “inside-out,” meaning we create a vivid inner life and history for the character and want to feel what the character feels authentically. In the old British school—think John Gielgud, Maggie Smith, and Laurence Olivier—actors worked from the “outside-in,” starting with a fake nose or limp to create a character.

There’s a great story about Dustin Hoffman, trained in the US, and Olivier, the master of English theater, when they worked together on the film, Marathon Man. Hoffman, in order to get ready for a particularly brutal scene where the character had not slept for days…did not sleep for days! Olivier thought this was ridiculous and said simply…Read on.

“The first way, the last way, the never-failing way to develop self-confidence in speaking is…to speak.  Really, the whole matter finally simmers down but one essential: practice, practice, practice.”

--Dale Carnegie, Public Speaking for Success.

We often use the term ‘confidence’ to paint a wide swath, as in, “she is so confident,” “they exude confidence,” “I need to build my confidence.” What I love about the quote above from Dale Carnegie is that he reminds us that we build confidence in one area at a time and that all it takes is practice. This idea that someone just has confidence or lacks confidence is misleading. We can be a confident skateboarder and lack confidence in skiing. We can have confidence in our ability to make friends and lack confidence in our ability to negotiate a contract. We can be confident in the classroom and lack confidence in the court of law.

In communication, we count on repetition: we say ‘yes’ to every opportunity and rehearse like mad. We rack up experience and…Read on.