Critics: internal and external
INNER CRITICS
In my life and practice, it’s clear that many of us have pretty harsh inner-critics. In some cases, these critics keep us from doing the very things that might bring us happiness: asking someone out, competing for a job, writing that book, doing our very best, taking a risk.
In Rick Hanson’s work on mindfulness, he talks about inviting the “positive material” to take center stage and asking the “negative material” to step back. We are not negating the negative, merely strengthening the positive. If this negative material is a harsh critic, it means simply acknowledging its presence with a quick nod, “Hello, again,” and going all out to savor everything that is positive, life-affirming, fun, joyful, possible.
Looking back at my younger self, I’d say one of my biggest regrets is that I was not a fully courageous actor. My fears, my critic, kept me in check. As I’ve grown older, that voice is still there, but quite dim. I see her and find myself smiling and saying, “I know you’re just trying to protect me, but I got this. I’m good.”
Our inner critics really do have good intentions—they just want to keep us from hurt, failure, rejection, humiliation. But they are not actually helping us.
As my inner critic has dimmed, I have become far more courageous in my expression: my acting, my relationships, my writing. my risk tolerance. I just have so little to lose. There’s a certain ‘who cares’ quality that comes we age. Both the failures and successes feel lighter, less consequential. There are far more consequential things to worry about—there are very real losses and tragedies every day. But risking it all and falling flat, is not a tragedy. And of course, the more we jump in and risk it all, the more likely we are to get what we most desire.
WHAT HELPS
One way to dim our inner critic is to make friends with fall-flat-on-our-face-failure. Just expect it. And keep going.
Levity helps. Not taking ourselves too seriously.
And acknowledging our critic as a well-intentioned busy-body who is only as powerful as we let them be. Without our trust in their terrible judgement, they fade and become quite inconsequential.
OUTER CRITICS
Sometimes others around us take on the role of critic. Relationship expert, John Gottman, calls criticism one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which, along with defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, is toxic to relationships. It feels awful to judge others, to be critical, it shrinks us, embitters us. And reflects more on the judger than the judged.
WHAT HELPS
Some compassion for the critic helps. It feels awful to carry that lens of judgement around. Imagine how harsh they are on themselves?
Be strategic about making ourselves vulnerable to critics. They are not the best people to ask for feedback.
Having a clear boundary, a “Thank you, I’ll consider that,” ready is helpful. It keeps us from falling into defensiveness and cuts off the torrent.
INNER and OUTER CRITICS: WHAT HELPS
One sure-fire way to shake the critics is play. Silliness. Messy, chaotic, dancing, singing, painting.
This connects us to the spirit of creativity.
Years ago I was part of a group of six women writing a screenplay together. At our first meeting, as a warm up, we did a John Cage piece of music:
SOLO FOR VOICE 8 THEATER USING ELECTRONICS (IRRELEVANT)
(0’0”)
DIRECTIONS
In a situation provided with maximum amplification (no feedback) perform a disciplined action.
With any interruptions
Fulfilling in whole or part an obligation to others
No attention to be given the situation (electronic, musical, theatrical).
It was utterly ridiculous. We had no idea what he was talking about. It didn’t matter, we made it up. We used my kitchen and all of the electric appliances, cutting apples, making smoothies, interrupting others’ actions, all in silence. And it really did look like a piece of choreographed art.
This piece brought us together in a mutual task of improvisation and play. I recommend John Cage’s work and any fun improvisational exercise. Even a good old game of telephone!
This week, we thank our inner critics for their good intentions and sit them in the corner. And we have clear boundaries around any outer critics: “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind,” while walking away.