Tricky Conversations: the ones worth having
A conversation that raises our heart rate, that leaves us flustered, that gives us a pit in our stomach or butterflies in our heart, is a tricky conversation. These will differ for everyone—flirting or asking for a raise can be hard for one of us and easy for another. But we all have moments when we feel the blood pumping and know something important is at stake.
The first thing we ask ourselves is: “Is this conversation worth the risk?” Then, “What is at risk if we DO NOT______ (disagree, ask for what we want, set a boundary)?”
Some of the hardest conversations to have are the ones we must have. There can be a dread or fury that lives in our own bodies, in our cells, that hurts us and calcifies over time, if we do not speak out. We think we can swallow it and it will disappear, but it becomes a latent hardness, a cynicism, a flat affect, an air of resentment, a bitterness. These are conversations we must have for our own health. And as we’ve discussed, sometimes we say something just to have a voice, or as Harriet Lerner says in The Dance of Anger, to have a self.
One caveat: sometimes there are important conversations that we bring to a therapist or a friend and not to the person directly. Maybe the person is no longer with us. Maybe they would not be able to give us what we need because they are simply not capable. Maybe it is not worth stirring up the muck at the bottom of the pond because it is primordial and rooted in the abstract memories of infant selves that are simply reactive, not rational. And of course, in some cases we can’t risk violence or retribution. We still must express ourselves, but that does not mean it has to be with the person directly.
Sometimes we have a conversation to learn what it is we want, in the same way that we sometimes write to learn what we think.
If the conversation is important and if the risk of having the conversation outweighs the risk of not having the conversation, then we do what we always do: prepare, breathe, find our intention.
How do we prepare for a tricky conversation? Much the same way we prepare for any communication: we start by doing research. Find out as much as we can about what matters to the other person. In a business setting it might mean, what are their “interests?” What is important to the organization? Money? Collegiality? Creativity? Towing the line? Loyalty? The research may help us decide whether the conversation is worth having at all!
With individuals: What is important to them? What do they care about? For some it might be respect or honesty. For others, a sense of control or empathy.
We can do this research by looking at web sites, asking around, and of course, asking directly. I really do encourage asking directly about most things. It is the perfect way to start the tricky conversation, with curiosity. It also reminds us that we may be making assumptions that simply aren’t true. Ask: What’s important to you?
I recently coached a young person for a job interview. Questions we came up with for her to ask: "What makes a great intern?” “How can I prepare to show up the first day ready to hit the ground running?”
Which brings me to: set up a time and place for the conversation with care. Avoid hijacking or being hijacked. Think about the time of day, the setting. Be proactive. Make sure the time and place are agreed upon and support the conversation.
I also recommend reviewing John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” and their antidotes. It’s important to keep these behaviors in mind so we do not fall into them:
Criticism> Avoid all or nothing language (“you always,” “every time you”). Check our intention—is it to criticize or to resolve a problem? Shift our criticism into a request. “Can you please put away your dishes?” Rather than, “You never do the dishes.”
Defensiveness>Take responsibility when we are responsible. Apologize if called for. Take the feedback. And lead with curiosity. Remember, defensiveness never solves the problem.
Contempt> Use the “magic ratio” of 5:1, meaning 5 positive interactions to 1 negative interaction. “Small things often,” which means small, simple gestures of gratitude, generosity, kindness. Small gestures over time build trust.
Stonewalling>Take a break if we are emotionally flooded. Then, turn towards the other with openness. Use the Yes/No/Yes to create space to recover (Yes, this is important. No, we don’t have time to address this right now. Yes, let’s find a time next week.)
The breath is always important and the first thing that signals a change in physiology. If we find ourselves breathing hard or holding our breath, we know our bodies are preparing for a fight. So deepen our breath and inhale for 4, exhale for 8….This calms us, connects us to ourselves, and keeps us in the present.
Interestingly, it also calms the others around us! When we breathe, others around us breathe. Like yawning and itching, breathing is contagious. When we breathe, others unconsciously deepen their own breath and calm down.
A key to all communication, is intention. A clear, chosen, positive, intention reminds us of our reason to speak, like a touch stone.
To understand
To stand up for others
To make things fair
To find out how I can help
To make peace
To give a gift
To have a self
This week, think of a conversation we have coming up or we have been putting off. Ask ourselves if this is a conversation that would be beneficial for us and for others. Prepare, breathe, find our high intention, and speak out with respect.