A conversation that raises our heart rate, that leaves us flustered, that gives us a pit in our stomach or butterflies in our heart, is a tricky conversation. These will differ for everyone—flirting or asking for a raise can be hard for one of us and easy for another. But we all have moments when we feel the blood pumping and know something important is at stake.

The first thing we ask ourselves is: “Is this conversation worth the risk?” Then, “What is at risk if we DO NOT______ (disagree, ask for what we want, set a boundary)?”

Some of the hardest conversations to have are the ones we must have. There can be a dread or fury that lives in our own bodies, in our cells, that hurts us and calcifies over time, if we do not speak out. We think we can…Read on.

This week we focus on the 4th of Gottman’s horsemen: Stonewalling. Dr. Jim Coan worked with Gottman and said that when coding couples in the “Love Lab,” they would note one partner literally turn away from the other. Stonewalling is when one partner removes themselves from the conflict rather than going towards it. We can see that sometimes this might be the best thing to do—when we are being baited or lured into a rabbit hole. But if stonewalling is a recurring habit, the relationship suffers. Knowing how to recognize and walk away from a rabbit hole or an unhealthy dynamic is vital; stonewalling is only harmful when it becomes our default.

Gottman says that we stonewall when we are physiologically flooded—often as a result of too much of the first three horsemen!

What’s the antidote? Read on…

Though John Gottman’s research focuses on romantic partnerships, I find his work very useful when thinking about all sorts of interactive communications: tense conversations, co-parenting, parenting, facilitation, interviews, community meetings. Gottman’s Four Horses of the Apocalypse are particularly useful; these are the behaviors Gottman has found to most negatively impact relationships. Of course, we all fall into these behaviors sometimes! They key is to notice when they dominate interactions and practice their antidotes when possible. In heightened, high-stakes interactions where we need to influence others, gain momentum, create coalitions, change systems, ignite ideas, or overcome obstacles, avoiding these behaviors is an essential skill.

Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are: defensiveness, criticism, stonewalling, and read on…