My friend, the wonderful movement teacher and writer, Susan McCulley, wrote a post about how we use language that just floored me. Susan asks, for instance, what if we substituted the word “aging” for the word “living?” “She’s aging well,” becomes…Read on.

Years ago, I found myself single and playing the numbers game: “If I’m 36 now, and still do not have a life-partner, and don’t think I’ve met the right person in all these years, and if I want to have kids and may not be able to as I near and pass 40, and my dad isn’t well, and maybe will never see his grandchildren, what are the chances…” My undaunted therapist said, “That’s not the right numbers game. The numbers game I want you to play is this: date as many people as you can, sharing your real self right off the bat, and move on when it’s clear this isn’t working.” OK, so I think I met my husband that month. The brilliance here is two-fold: first,…Read on,

There is an oft unspoken skill that performers seem to know, but have no memory of being taught. That is because this is something that we do not experience in rehearsal, only in performance: riding the wave of laughter and applause. We may not know what a certain audience will find funny and we are often surprised if there is applause during a performance. We expect applause at the end, but how to know the right moment to leave the stage? When do we come back for a second or third bow? We learn this skill only by performing before a live audience. Mid-performance, the skill is to ride the wave of applause or laughter and then, just as the wave begins to wane, jump in and continue decisively and with vocal strength. There is a sweet spot to hit that is somewhat intuitive. If we ignore the audience and keep talking or jump in too soon…Read on.

I did this interview because…maybe it would be cool, maybe it would be good for my work, maybe it would find its way to clients. I’m not sure any of that happened. I do know that I had the unexpected pleasure of learning something about myself. I found the questions brought out surprising answers. This week, we take out a journal and ask ourselves the seemingly simple and general questions I was asked by Canvas Rebel. Let me know what you learn. …Read on.

Whenever my daughter, Anya, comes home to Charlottesville, she signs up to play a new song at the open mic at The Local. This is no regular open mic: the emcee and host is the extraordinary musician and human, Michael Clem of the band, Eddie From Ohio. Every week he gives a prompt for writers and many come in with songs inspired by that prompt. You can bring in anything, as long as it is original. Then, the backing band, made up of a drummer, lead guitar, and bass, play with the musician on a song they have never heard before! It’s an alchemy of live music, improvisation, and love. For Anya, it feels like coming home. She’s been playing there since she was twelve and Michael always makes her and everyone feel known and held in the family of music. Last week, Anya played her song, The Alchemist, which felt just right for the alchemy in the room. On our way out, Michael asked us for a prompt. Since I’d just written the “Yes, and…” post, I tossed it out as a prompt for the song writers. As if to prove the point, Michael took that YES of the prompt, and ANDED the hell out of it by writing this incredible song….Read on.

We’ve all heard the great improv practice, “Yes, and…” and maybe even played a few improv games in high school theater class. As an actor it’s common to warm up with a round of “Yes, and...” Yet, it is one of those exercises I felt should remain on stage; off-stage, it seemed to be merely a way of hijacking a conversation. A few years ago the true depth of the practice became clear as I began to see skillful communicators using it to move conversations and processes out of stuck places and to invite in creativity. It is generous and generative. Why YES?…Read on.

YES! We dream of a beach house. NO! We can’t afford to buy a beach house. YES! We can rent a beach house for a week! Years ago my husband kindly paraphrased the lessons from a book I can’t even remember the name of on how to say NO. He said, no need to read the book, here is the gist: Yes. No. Yes. Little did he know that he had supplied me with perhaps the most useful and versatile communication skill ever. I use Yes/No/Yes to: say ‘no;’ to set boundaries; to avoid Rabbit Holes in tricky conversations, in contentious interviews, with derailing questions at public events; it is the best way to disagree without offending others; it anchors us in what we need while keeping the door open to further conversation and collaboration, and it combines self-respect and respect for others. How does it work? Read on…

It may sound counter-intuitive, but as communicators, we must go slow to go fast. As a speed-speaker, I can attest that when I speak quickly, my audience is lost. When I breathe and scaffold my communication, the audience comes with me. Many things contribute to my hare-like tempo: anxiety, an internal sense that I should hurry up to make space for others, and the disconnection from my audience that results. Admittedly Type A, I like to check things off of my list, get this conversation or talk over with. Talking without stopping is also correlated with domineering—not leaving space for others, controlling the interaction. But of course, if the purpose of communication is to have an impact, to create relationship, to share, then simply skipping through those precious moments without connection is a waste of everyone’s time. We leave our audience baffled and bored. So how do we slow down?…Read on.

Some of us might have an internal sense of limitations, or “Phantom Ceiling.” Like the Glass Ceiling, this ceiling keeps us down. Unlike the Glass Ceiling, the Phantom Ceiling only exists in our minds. We may well bump up against the Glass Ceiling, may even break through the glass ceiling, but the Phantom Ceiling is just that: a phantom. Often invisible, unknown, unseen, leaving us unaware of its presence. We may know those for whom that internal ceiling doesn’t exist. Or those who, in becoming aware of the Phantom Ceiling, made the choice to abandon it. Where does it come from, this Phantom Ceiling?…Read on.

Last week we talked about picking ourselves, not waiting on the side-lines for someone to notice us, stepping up, raising our hands. This week, we find ways to recognize and pick others. Think about the times we have been picked. It’s a profound gift when someone we respect sees us, or sees a quality in us, and gives us a chance to grow into that possibility. When my father, Warren Bennis, interviewed John Gardener in his book Geeks and Geezers, Gardener talked about being tapped by President Kennedy to be Secretary of Health, Education, and Welfare. He had been a professor of at Mount Holyoke College and had no political ambitions. He said something like, “It was as if I had been waiting to see what life could pull out of me.” While at HEW, Gardener created…Read on.

This is Edwina. She’s about to go on stage to sing with the band, We Are Star Children. She is radiant, ebullient, in love with this moment. She looks like someone who said, “I want to do this.” And then picked herself. And did it. Of course, it is an amazing feeling to be picked, to have someone reach out and say: “You should run for this office.” “Would you like to go out sometime?” “We’d like to offer you this promotion.” “You have just the right qualities to lead others. We’d like you to lead this team.” It’s important, to be seen, valued, wanted. It makes us feel special. But it’s also passive. My sister and I wrote a whole screenplay about a guy who…Read on.

Last week I wrote about the Warren Bennis Leadership Institute Summit. The number of great communicators I was lucky enough to observe was mind-boggling. Here are a few skills and techniques I witnessed: Extreme Preparation. The whole team, from the University of Cincinnati leadership to the student leadership, started twice weekly meetings in January to prepare. As an actor and coach, I know that early and thorough preparation takes us 95% of the way to fluency and confidence. I am often met with clients who are just “too busy” to prepare. And I get it! We prepare during our sessions, if need be. And, when I have the luxury to work with people and organizations who jump right in without hesitation to work through every kink, dot every i, and do so with gusto, I know I’ve found my people. I think that’s why I love stage actors—we are completely IN from warm-up to set strike. Intention: We were lucky that our focus, our intention for the event was crystal clear: to connect people who knew, loved, worked with, studied with, and were influenced by Dad’s work in leadership, with the UC students, staff and faculty. We wanted everyone to know what it was like to be in Dad’s presence. As Pat Zigarmi said…Read on.

This week I was honored to witness an almost indescribable panoply of great communicators. We started with a hybrid virtual/in-person Warren Bennis Leadership Institute Council meeting with 30 people, which included Tom Peters, Ken Blanchard, Joline Godfrey, Joan Goldsmith, Pat Zigarmi, Doug Conant, Ken Cloke, Cynthia Cherrey, Bob Castellini, Dick Thornburgh, Raj Sisodia, and Betsy Myers. As the Chair of the Council, my job was to introduce this esteemed group to the University of Cincinnati’s WBLI leadership team, internal Advisory Board, and student leaders. We could have gone on for days. The enthusiasm and generosity of the Council members filled the room with love: they shared their stories about Dad/Warren, about their passion for leadership development, and the extraordinary moment we find ourselves in today when great leaders are the critical ingredient on all fronts: political, environmental, societal, global, and economic. From there, we moved to a panel discussion with …Read on.

Last week, we spoke about power vs. authority—control vs. influence. This week we talk about the only thing we actually have control over and therefore, the thing we have the greatest responsibility to: our own dear selves. There are certain endeavors that serve as an allegory and training-ground for life. Climbing is one. Meditation is another. Theater, another. We contend with our internal voices and as we befriend, cajole, debate, and reframe, we are able to learn something about ourselves. There’s a saying in theater: “Theater work is life work,” meaning the things we struggle with in acting are often the things we struggle with in life. And we can learn from them. Many years ago, in rehearsal for a play at the Circle Rep Lab, I learned a profound life lesson. I was in a scene with an actor who was…difficult. He dominated, he…Read on.

This photo of Francoise Gilot illustrates a dynamic between power and authority. Picasso: older, male, White, famous, but in the background. Francoise: young, a woman, also a painter, but most famous for being Picasso’s partner. Francoise’ image dominates the photo, not only taking up the space close to the camera, but with her expression—looking towards, but not at her partner, her mouth set, determined, trepidation in her eyes. There is so much to investigate about the balance of power and authority in this photo. It is certainly a complex analysis—a fluid dance between the many ways we gain and lose power and authority as our cultural and organizational values change, as our roles change, as we age, as we accomplish, as we amass wisdom, wealth, and respect. And, importantly, as our own internal sense of confidence and worth shifts and grows. In working with my clients, I find it helpful to distinguish between power and authority. Generally speaking, “power” means …Read on.

Men. Yup. Even before there was a word for this, the conference circuit has been dominated by manels. I think of the Roman Senate as the first official manel. Followed by centuries of governing bodies made up of manels. Our US Supreme Court’s manel lasted almost two centuries before Sandra Day O’Connor made it a plain old panel. Who first recognized and named this phenomenon? It’s a mystery. But Valeria McFarren first started using the term in 2016 with her clients “across the world to bring awareness to this and make changes in their respective organizations.” The president of Chaski Global and co-founder of The She Lab, had been asked, one too many times, to moderate a panel of men, aka, a “manel.” In one egregious example, she sat watching a panel of six men talk about how to solve oppression of women and gender-based violence. Note that Valeria uses the term, “to make changes.” Language can change how we see things, giving us the choice to make changes in our organizations and in our lives. If you’ve heard this term before, it was probably in Elisa Loehnen’s* blog post where you can read Val’s story. I recently looked up an organization and found that it has four employees—all of them…Read on.

In response to last week’s post, The Ten Public Speaking Commandments, Tom Peters sent me this wonderful list written by Darl Kolb after Tom spoke in his class. As you can see in the photograph, the list is precious to Tom. He keeps it close. 10 Lessons for Teachers from Watching Tom Peters by Darl Kolb…Read on.

I. Thou shalt not hide from the audience but shall open to them, share with them, and pull your hair back so that it is not obscuring your expressive face and eyes.

II. Thou shalt not…Read on.

Recently, I was asked to give myself a title. I responded, “Madam.” I just could not give myself a title without cracking a joke. At the University of Cincinnati’s Warren Bennis Leadership Institute , the leadership team is all women: Marianne Lewis, Dean of the Lindner School of Business, Donna Chrobot-Mason, the Executive Director, and Betsy Myers, as Senior Advisor. They all have titles and insisted that I have a title, too. My work with these incredible women is voluntary—I passionately believe that a program to give every one of the 50,000 UC graduate and undergraduate students leadership training can have a profound impact on the world we live in. Leadership with self-knowledge, deep awareness of complex context, ethics, transparency, conflict resolution, vision, and service to others, can right the ship of our democracy. And where better to root this positive revolution than the middle of our country, at a dynamic university with a vibrant co-op program? I get so much out of this—being part of a phenomenal team, taking action when things feel hopeless, that my reward is to respond to my calling. No title needed!

Betsy, my partner in this adventure, doing interviews with many of dad’s esteemed colleagues and inviting them to be an Advisory Board for the institute, gave me a title. She said,…Read on.

“Do you want to buy a bumper sticker? M&Ms? Gatorade? A ball cap?” These kids look so sweet! And we want to support them, right? But what if we do not actually want any of those things? We can say, “No. No thank you. No.” In last week’s post, You Can Always Ask, I encourage us all to ask for what we want, knowing that people can say ‘no.’ We all have a right to ask. And we all have a right to say ‘no.’ But for whatever reason, this simple clarity of boundaries can be hard for us. A friend recently revealed that for the last five years …Read on.