Managing Our Selves

Last week, we spoke about power vs. authority—control vs. influence. This week we talk about the only thing we actually have control over and therefore, the thing we have the greatest responsibility to: our own dear selves.

There are certain endeavors that serve as an allegory and training-ground for life. Climbing is one. Meditation is another. Theater, another. We contend with our internal voices and as we befriend, cajole, debate, and reframe, we are able to learn something about ourselves.

There’s a saying in theater: “Theater work is life work,” meaning the things we struggle with in acting are often the things we struggle with in life. And we can learn from them. Many years ago, in rehearsal for a play at the Circle Rep Lab, I learned a profound life lesson. I was in a scene with an actor who was…difficult. He dominated, he roared his lines, never in reaction to me, but as if he were in his own play, he blamed me for his inability to reach the emotional pinnacle he believed his character should achieve (“She’s not making me cry!”), he even pulled me backwards onto a chair, saying, “You’re supposed to sit on this line!”

At first, I blamed him! How could I act opposite such a boor! In the same way that he externalized his own struggle, blaming me, I blamed him.

Thankfully, at some point I let go. I accepted that I was not responsible for him in any way—I could not control him, I could not change him. He alone was responsible for his behavior. And I was responsible for my own. I could only, and must only, manage my self. It was truly, a relief. I could see how this attempt to control or manage others, was not only folly, it was exhausting.

In our rehearsals, I began to react honestly to whatever he gave me, no matter how bizarre or outrageous. Moment by moment, I listened and reacted. And each time I reacted honestly to his odd behavior, he became more enraged, demanding that I conform to his idea of the scene, how it would play out, and how my character should behave. Suddenly, the scene was unexpected, alive, like a wild dance. The audience never knew what might happen next, just as I could not know! I was there, simply reacting to the reality, not as I wished it to be, but as it was.

I now credit that actor with setting me free as an artist. I’m still working on that freedom in life.

To simply accept the truth in others is not being passive or giving up; it is relinquishing a false sense of control.

Of course we can influence others, we can have sway over others. We can certainly make direct requests. But actual power over others? No. We can fire people, if we are the boss. We can ground them if they are our children. We can avoid them if they are our co-workers. But the ultimate power over any individual lies only in that person. We are not responsible for them. And they are not responsible for us. We can only manage ourselves.

This week, notice when we feel ourselves trying to control a situation, a reaction, a person, then let it go. Practice accepting that their behavior is theirs and theirs alone. And our own behavior, our own locus of control and power, lies only in ourselves. Phew.