What’s at stake when we do not communicate our vision directly? As leaders, it is our responsibility to hold the vision and communicate it clearly and often, while also trusting our teams to be expert in their own realms. If we do not find this balance, we risk misunderstanding, internal squabbles over siloed priorities and resources, and wasted time and energy spent moving in the wrong direction.

As an actor in a play, I see things subjectively, from my character’s point of view. The theater director holds the vision, sees the big picture. They are two different jobs. The director has to allow the actor to discover and develop their character within the vision and world of the play as the director sees it. This is a tricky dynamic, but an important one for all leaders to balance.

Many years ago I was in a profound and disturbing play called Thatcher’s Women about the women who took up prostitution in the 1980s during Thatcher’s reign to support their families. I played two characters, both sex workers. The sets were dark and moody with female body parts protruding. The feeling for the play was bleak, cold, and raw. We did a lot of exploration, visualizations, and exercises to “find” our characters. As my characters revealed themselves, the one who lived on the streets, really came alive for me. I saw her as gritty, messy, punk rock, sassy, sleeping in train stations and waking up with cigarette breath. Maybe not the most original image, but she emerged this way. Despite witnessing my character’s journey in rehearsal, I got the sense that the director didn’t like where I was going. Nothing I offered worked for her, yet she gave me no direction. Her slight look of contempt said it all. I felt negated at every turn, but my questions only received vague hints I could not decode. A week before opening I received my costume: I was to wear bubble-gum-pink fishnets, purple leather shorts, a multi-colored, sequined bustier with my hair teased high, red lip gloss, and an enormous pink bow. Where did this technicolor caricature come from?

Read on….

Ultimately, saying NO is simply setting a clear boundary.

We say no to say, “stop.” We say no to say, “enough.” We say no to say, “this is my time/space/body/voice/energy/priority/choice.” Saying no, is not being mean or rejecting others. It is simply creating clarity. And clarity is good for everybody involved.

There are three different kinds of “no” I want to explore: the Structural No, the Yes-No-Yes, and the Definitive No. Read on to play with saying NO!

My friend, Selena, just sent me a text asking if I’d ever jumped out of an airplane. NO! And do I want to? NO! Do I think she is planning to go skydiving? YES! Absolutely. No doubt.

I call Selena, “My friend who says, yes!”

This week, practice saying YES to experiences, to life, to connecting with others. Read on for more on saying YES!

Next week, Selena teaches me to say “no!”

The theater director and father of modern acting technique, Konstantin Stanislavski, used the term “objective,” to help actors focus on playing an action, rather than pushing for a state of being (“to persuade” vs. “to be upset” see “To Be vs. To Do”).  I like the term, “intention,” rather than objective because I find it more direct. Stanislavski believed that we always have an intention, even if we are not aware of it.  That is what makes us behave in wonderfully quirky, positively human ways. We always want something from the other characters in the play and we always want something from the other people in our lives.  That is our intention. If we do not choose a clear intention, we can default to intentions that are not helpful, undermine us, focus our energy on ourselves, and leave us expressively flat and disconnected.

We communicate our intention, not our words.

This is really important. 

Imagine a person saying, “I love you,” while sneering.  What message do we get?  Read on to learn how to use intentions…

In my last post, I made the case for more you, more people, more human interaction, and fewer slides and less text. Today I add, CAMERAS ON!

We all have reasons that we keep the camera off during meetings:

• I’m in my pjs (robe, undies).

• I’m in my unfinished basement (attic, dorm room).

• My kids (dog, cat, bird) could come in at any moment.

But we all know the real reasons:

• I’m multitasking.

• I’m on screen all day and need a break.

• I’m in the finals of a Clash of Clans tourney.

So really, why meet at all? Why not have a conference call? A nap? Because, when we do meet virtual-face-to-virtual-face, we get a lot more done, we get a sense of our team and how they’re doing, we have an interpersonal dopamine bump, and we are able to be more creative, productive, and innovative.

Use the One-Third Rule: Read on…

This week we talk about using slides in a way that supports, rather than obstructs, our communication.

Anyone who’s worked with me has heard this refrain:

There is a reason that we fly people all over the world in airplanes, put them up in hotels, feed them, host them, give them swag, congregate, meet, and convene, face-to-face.

There is something ineffable about human connection. Do not squander it.

So why then, do we squander those precious moments by turning off our webcam, eclipsing our selves (face, expression, body) with slides? And why, oh why, would we litter the slides with text, which draws the audience towards the written words and disconnects them from the speaker?

Read more on how to use slides so slides don’t hijack our presentations…

It needs to be said: there is a vast spectrum that includes being silent, being heard, having a voice, contributing, listening, supporting, amplifying, interacting, expressing, and dominating. More often than not, I have to remind my clients that speaking up is not dominating. We all deserve time, space, self-expression, and a voice. To be heard. All of us. And when any of us stifle our expression, we all suffer. Voice can mean simply speaking up, being bold, having a say, asking a question, supporting other people and ideas, contributing. And speaking up also includes other modes of expression: writing, painting, performance, photography, dance.

Read more about having a voice…

My dear friend, and friend to many, Deb, said the simplest and truest thing on our walk today. She tossed it away as if this was common knowledge: three things to do in order to make friends. Now listen, I am a big fan of Dale Carnegie and there is a reason his book, How to Win Friends and Influence People is still a best-seller 85 years since it first hit the bookstores. And yet, notice the language, “how to win friends.” For all his brilliance, Dale Carnegie puts me off when he uses the word “win” in relation to friendship. Not to mention the Machiavellian tone of influencing people!

Deb talked about making friends. Reminding us that friendship is built, forged, takes time and attention. ‘Winning’ reminds me of horse races with winners and losers.

Deb said simply, “Everyone knows how to make friends! You just have to…read on!

It seems obvious, doesn’t it? When we communicate, we do it to connect with other people: our audience, our team, our loved ones. But sometimes, we unconsciously obscure our communication, hiding behind a thick swath of hair or fancy jargon, averting our gaze, curling our bodies inward, speaking softly. When we are self-conscious, we hide.

One thing that helps us to shift from being self-conscious to being engaging is to remember to simply include others. This is an intention, is active, is a verb, gives us something TO DO: to include.

By working with active, positive, intentions, we take the focus off of ourselves and put it where it belongs, on others.

This week, take an inventory to make sure you can be SEEN (hair out of face…Read on.

In a post called “Questions that Connect Us,” I spoke of Ken Cloke, one of the leading experts in conflict resolution. Ken reminds us that we often fan the flames of conflict, polarize conversations, and take positions that only work to push us farther apart. As we look forward to voting this week, I wanted to share this treasure trove of Ken’s questions to ask in a political argument. I printed out the list and carry it with me. The questions also work on any argument with teens!

Read on for Ken’s great questions!

When my son, Luke, was in 3rd grade he had a wonderful, unforgettable teacher. In fact, Ms. Busching is something of a legend in our town. She has a way of connecting to the kids, seeing them, and like sun on a flower, her seeing coaxes the kids to bloom.

One afternoon Luke bounded down the school steps, beaming. Ms. Busching had given him a book to read!

“A book?” I asked, “I thought you didn’t like books.”

Luke answered, “Oh, I like books. Just not the ones you want me to like.”

Ah.

“It sounds like Ms. Busching really gets you.”

“That’s the thing about Ms. Busching. She gets everyone.”

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we all could capture a little of that magic? I know that Ms. Busching is a rare human being. And that we all can practice a few things that can help us “get” at least a few more people, if not everyone…read on.

Oct 13

Written By Kate Bennis

I love this photo of Agni Handy. She is self-aware (looking at the camera, breathing, engaging), and yet not self-conscious. There is an ease about her. We all can sense the difference between the two ways of being. When we are self-conscious, our focus is inward and often self-critical. When we are self-aware, we are able to balance our presence and behavior with an outward focus on others and the world around us. We are poised between the two.

Agni is a professional actor, so she has years of practicing this balance; she has poise. Actors have to remember their lines, where they need to stand to be seen by the camera and hit by the light, AND be present, available emotionally, and fully alive to the moment.

How can we move from being self-conscious to being self-aware?

Here are two tiny adjustments anyone can practice:

Read on…

John Gottman talks about the importance of, not only offering, but accepting the olive branch early and often during a conflict. He refers to these gestures, the offer of the olive branch, as “repair attempts.” They can be silly, playful, earnest, heartfelt. It doesn’t matter. They signal a desire to connect. Importantly, the way for these gestures to have a positive impact is for the receiver to accept the offer: to build on the joke, to accept the apology, to soften.

This week, notice when you might offer a repair attempt and do it. Notice when someone …read on.

In this photograph of Fatma, you get a sense of her presence. She is one of the few people I know who has a balance of both magnetizing in and radiating out. Her voice is lyrical, musical, calming, and exquisitely beautiful. It is light and rich at the same time. Her voice pulls one in, like smelling a flower. And, as you can see in this picture, her eyes radiate out. She bathes us in her presence.

Rather than thinking of people as introverted or extroverted, I think of people as either radiating out or magnetizing in. Both are powerful ways of being in the world. And all of us can play with both energies.

Personal presence is personal. Unique. And should be. It’s what makes people forever fascinating. Nobody should try to be less themselves. And though it’s wonderful to play with many behaviors in order to stretch ourselves or break habits, it’s also important to embrace our essential presence.

Read on for more on radiating out and magnetizing in…

Generation Z has taught me the beautiful acceptance of making a mistake and taking responsibility in the simple phrase, “My bad!”

“My bad!” is often thrown off in a casual and light way. It means, “I made a mistake. I take responsibility.”

Growing up I internalized the message that making mistakes was shameful. Working in the theater demanded that I let go of this message and embrace messing up, without being derailed. I learned that striving for perfection only serves to block creativity.

AND, I still feel a twinge of shame and fear when I make a mistake. I can get defensive and rigid instead of being fluid. How I wish I had the good-natured acceptance I see in teens to acknowledge …read on for more on integrating mistakes…

I follow the work of New Yorker cartoonist, Liza Donnelly, and have been watching her drawings of tiny, quotidian moments in the lives of New Yorkers. This drawing arrested me with both its simplicity and its detail: the tilt of the dog’s head, paying attention to Liza as she draws, the man, eating a sandwich. She writes:

“To me, life is about the small things, the individuals. New York City is made up of so many wonderful individuals, in fact it’s what makes the city.”

The other day when I was trying to meditate, instead of letting my thoughts float by, I was caught by a deep longing to have work like Liza’s, work that demands that I simply stay still and pay attention—to be absorbed by others, by the poignant beauty that makes us human. Then I thought, but of course it does! Everyone is allowed to, invited to, pay attention to the world around us. My work is all about connecting with others. How can we possibly connect with others if we don’t take them in?

Read on for more on paying attention…we are all invited to witness our world with wonder.

Have you ever felt strangely insulted when someone voices their concern for you? Even if something is wrong. And especially when things are great!

“Are you OK? You look/seem (exhausted, like you’ve gained weight, worried, pale, etc.).”

As a mother of two teens, I find myself falling into this concern/insult trap far too frequently.

Questions like, “Have you got your (class schedule, phone, homework, lunch, mask, etc.)?” are really about my own anxiety and only serve to make my kids feel insulted, like I don’t trust them to either take care of things themselves or to recover when they don’t take care of things.

In their book, When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies, Carol Munter and Jane Hirschmann use the phrase “speaking in code” to refer to the well-meaning friends and relatives whose statements about us say more about their own anxiety than our reality.

In order to break the code, we can:

1) look beneath the words to find the intention

2) read on…

This is Lauren between takes. It’s been a long day, the stakes are high, she’s been preparing for many weeks. She’s breathing, engaged, and ready. She is what we refer to in Nia (a movement technique) as Raw: Relaxed, Alert, Waiting.

What can we do to create that Raw?

This week we create and “layer in” a tiny ritual to practice before any heightened, challenging, difficult, high-risk, high-expectation, anxiety-provoking, deeply meaningful, presentation or interaction. The goal is to integrate the ritual in the way James Clear outlines in his book, Atomic Habits, so that it is automatic. In my life, I use the same ritual before any client interaction. I set up the space, check my tech, and without thinking, I stretch (body warm-up), make strange noises (vocal warm-up), and center myself with a few deep breaths.

For your own ritual, include a little bit of each of these:

1) Stretching….

Read on…

Anyone here fallen asleep during a production of Hamlet? I may have…Certainly the text is pretty extraordinary. So why might someone be bored or not able to connect to this most human drama? Most likely be cause the story is only told verbally and not inhabited physically. There is no coherence between the words, the expression, the body, and the intention. And haven’t we all experienced the strange pit in our stomachs when someone’s words do not match their expression? Maybe they tell us that everything is “just fine,” while tears pour down their cheeks. Or that they are not angry, though their jaws are clenched tight. Or that they’re listening while scanning social media. When our physical communication is incongruent with our words, the other, the audience, the group, feels that tension. They hear one message and receive another.

Most of the time we communicate without words at all—just gestures, expressions, sighs…read on for ways to find congruence…

Take a look at this image of a flower by the photographer Emily Scher.

Now I ask you: Is this flower pretty? Yes or no. It’s hard to answer, isn’t it? The question simply doesn’t allow for an answer that feels right. The flower is so much more than pretty. The spirit of this image, to me, is ineffable and cannot be constrained in a binary response. To you, it might be different.

When there is no true or real or correct answer to a question, we can answer, “mu.”

I first heard the term, “mu” on On Being with Krista Tippett. She was interviewing Padraig O’Tuama…

Read more on embracing mu…