Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I talk too much. I know it. Not all the time, thank goodness. And I also know my triggers: anxiety, being full of myself, having too much fun, and simply forgetting to include others. Dr. Jim Coan, a UVa psychology professor who studies the psychophysiology of attachment, associates over-talking with dominating. Yikes.

This week, we take note when we find ourselves talking too much, forgetting to listen.

And then we take these steps…read on.

To have truly generative and creative meetings, we need to put our analytic minds aside and open ourselves up to what scientist and improvisational actor,  Uri Alon calls, “the cloud.” Easier said than done! But there are a few tricks we can take from the world of theater to set the stage for creativity, even in the board room.

1) Set up the meeting by reminding everyone …read on.

Have you ever found yourself saying, “Sorry! Sorry!” out of habit or anxiety? Certainly, I have. This is not so much a true apology for harm done, but a strange way of both diminishing ourselves and calling attention to ourselves. And it does not serve us or the situation. In fact, it undermines both.

This week, take note if you find yourself apologizing for simply being, doing your job, speaking up, making a trivial mistake. Resist the urge to apologize. Apologizing in these instances disrupts and undermines. Instead, graciously move forward. If you are unsure of the difference between a real and needed apology and an habitual or anxious, “sorry,” ask yourself, “Would Joan of Arc apologize for this?”

Read on for how actors recover when they forget a line…

Why do we communicate?

Sometimes, admittedly, we speak just to have a sense of self, as Harriet Lerner reminds us in her wonderful book, The Dance of Anger (more on that in another post). Sometimes we speak out-loud to figure something out—think of Hamlet’s “to be or not to be” soliloquy. But most of the time, we communicate to ignite a give-and-take, to be in relationship with the other, the audience, friend, partner, team.

This week, include your audience, ask yourself…read on…

Last week we talked about the simplest, sanest, most appropriate way to respond to any compliment. As my father said:

“You look the person in the eye and say, ‘Thank you.’ That’s all. No excuses, no eye-rolling, no putting yourself down. You just say ‘thank you.’ Full stop.”

The same goes for receiving gifts. A simple thank you, and then a thank you card, is just perfect. As my father also, wisely said: “Gifts are for the giver.” So give them the pleasure of your gratitude.

Certainly, there are many reasons that others may offer a gift: a thank you, a show of appreciation, an expression of love.

And sometimes, there is an expectation of reciprocation, something owed in return. Of course, in that case it is not really a gift, which is freely given. Simply saying, “thank you” creates a boundary, a finality. A receiver owes nothing, but thanks.

What if, you ask, you don’t like/already have the gift? You say, …read on…

I have a vivid memory:

We’re sitting outside eating dinner in that golden hour when the sun makes the world look like it’s been splashed with honey. My father gives me a compliment. I don’t even recall what it was. I just know that I batted it away, as I’d been taught somehow, somewhere, maybe TV? How did Mrs. Brady take a compliment? Mary Tyler Moore?

I already knew the script:

THEM:“Katie, you look so/sound so/are so_______. Your ______ is so _________.”

ME:“No, I’m not. It isn’t. It was just lucky. Did you notice that crack/mistake/mess?”

That night, my father gave me a different script:

Read on…

Questions that Connect Us

Jun 30

Written By Kate Bennis

In the Fall of 2016 I visited our dear family friends, Joan Goldsmith and her husband, Ken Cloke. I was trying to make sense of a world where all the things I valued (empathy, connection, representation, equity, equality, justice) seemed to be rejected by so many of my country-people. The cognitive dissonance left me bereft and lacking the capacity to see the complexity of the moment: everything and everyone seemed to be “good” or “bad,” “right” or “wrong.”

Ken caught me up short in a conversation that reframed everything. He said, “The trouble is that we are asking the wrong questions. The questions we’re asking only have polarizing answers.” I was flooded with examples: “Who did you vote for?” “Do you believe in God?” “Do you support abortion rights?” “Do you support gun reform?” “Where do you get your news?”

These questions have only one-word answers. There is no room for a complex human being to reside in those answers.

Ken guided me to ask a very different question, a question that invites infinite answers, a question that has framed our humanity, given us meaning, culture, and connection.

This week, think about the questions we ask. Are they likely to polarize us? Or connect us? This week, we play with questions that invite connection.

Read on for Ken’s question, a question that cracks us open…

In every part of my professional life, from actor to writer, from therapist and communication coach, I have had to practice the skill of putting myself firmly into a stranger’s shoes without judgement. I must see the world through their particular truths, stories, and experiences. When I find myself judging my character or client—if I just don’t like them, if I simply can’t put my own filters aside—then I can’t do the job. In fact, these are the characters and clients who have the most to teach me. It is a challenge of humility. And it is transformative.

This week, play with empathy by putting yourself without judgement into someone else’s shoes. Read on…

We, all of us, have that choice to fall in love with the mundane, with others, with nature, with the world. And when we do that, we bring a sense of warmth and radiance into every room.

This week, make the choice to fall in love and watch how others bloom in your presence. What kind of love? How do we find it? What does it do? Read on…

Have you ever given a talk, told a story, or had the same conversation one too many times? Although I will always push people to do Extreme Preparation, there are certainly situations when the content is so old it might become stale. In these moments, we can easily disconnect from our audience or partner or team and just, “phone it in” as we say in the theater. Meaning, we turn on the inner tape recorder and get back into bed mentally.

What are the skills we practice to keep communication alive? We trick ourselves into being present by changing things up, adding an element of abandon and play, welcoming disaster, moving to a new place physically, using a new intention, and, as always, reveling in the unknown that every person and audience brings.

This week, keep communication fresh by inviting in the unknown!

Here are my favorite examples of keeping it fresh! Read on…

While training to be a facilitator at the Ariel Group, I noticed Belle and Kathy, the founders, would draw a line down the center the page to create two columns as they took notes on our work.

On the right they would take notes on “what’s working,” and on the left, “things to work on.”

This simple structure helped them, as trainers and coaches, do two things:

1) Consciously look for things that are working. Like spying a snake in the grass, our tendency is to scan for problems and things to fix. Consciously reminding ourselves to scan for what’s wonderful, what’s working, what is rare and precious in our fellow humans, in their writing, in their presentations, in their personal presence, in their communication, creativity, and leadership, does many things…read on for all five tips for giving feedback.

Many years ago I was lucky enough to act in a production with the marvelous British comedienne, Frances Cuka. I adored her. She was a consummate pro and had been acting professionally since she was a young child on the radio, as a teen originating the role of Jo in A Taste of Honey, and then many years in the theater and on BBC television.

The day the rave reviews of her performance came out, I knocked on her dressing room door where she sat drawing on her eyebrows, resplendent in her costume of green silk, red wig, and satin heels.

“Frances! Have you seen the reviews?”

She smiled slightly. “No, darling. No need, thank you.”

I gushed, “But they loved you!”

Frances turned towards me with kind patience:

“Oh, darling. If you believe the good reviews, then you have to believe the bad reviews, too.”

This one line sings out as the truest thing I ever heard. And in some small way, it set me free from the need for external validation and gave me the tools to view criticism with the same balanced scrutiny.

But it begs the question, if we don’t take in the good reviews (feedback, comments, compliments), and we don’t take in the bad reviews (feedback, comments, criticism), then how do we know how we’re doing? How can we be self-aware and know what to work on? How do we grow?

This week we re-think receiving feedback,: who to ask, when to take it, when to solicit it, and when to let it go. Read on…

Many people believe that authenticity involves complete transparency, blunt honesty, and talking about our wayward bodily functions in public. This nightmarish stream-of-consciousness behavior is not only destructive for the speaker, but the listeners may never recover. No, that is not authenticity. Authentic communication includes awareness of the other person and awareness of our own impact.

This week we practice being authentic while being appropriate. How? By being aware of our CRI: Circumstances, Role, and Intention.

When clients assure me that they do not need to prepare, that they are better when they “wing it,” I remind them of Mark Twain’s remark, “It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.” Exactly. Improvisation takes years of experience, weeks of rehearsal, and is grounded in strong structure and technique. This week, we practice structure to free our creative and improvisational selves.

In my work I often get push-back when I insist that my clients do what I call Extreme Preparation, which includes everything from what to say, to what to wear, and tons of practice. I get it. I do. There is a lot of fear around digging in deep. First, we may not know how to prepare, what to do, how to rehearse, what questions to ask, what skills and techniques to employ. Also, there is a real fear of losing that ineffable sense of being fresh. “I just want to let it happen. When I rehearse, it just gets stale.” I hear ya. The trouble is that when we do not prepare fully, we are counting on luck. We are crossing our fingers and hoping that the stars will align and the talk or presentation or interview or hard conversation will be brilliant! And sometimes it all does come together. Phew! And other times, it just doesn’t. It’s hard to be consistent when we do not have strong undergirding.

If you feel stale when you rehearse, it’s not because you rehearsed, you feel stale because you didn’t rehearse enough.

This week, set aside time to prepare for any important, heightened or weighty communication you have coming up.

This week, we pay attention to our precious throats, noticing when they are free and when we might be holding something back, cutting something off, silencing ourselves.

Read more to learn how I lost my voice and found it again just in time for opening night…

If you find yourself in our house some evening, you might hear someone intone the name, “Alexander” in a deep and sonorous voice. There is no verbal response, though every person within earshot will suddenly appear to grow, as if being pulled upward towards the ceiling by an invisible thread. Actors, musicians, writers, video gamers, singers, spoken-word artists, painters, YouTubers, surgeons, athletes, anyone who finds themselves doing a repetitive physical action can benefit from the Alexander Method. Not just for posture, but for an open voice, free of tension.

This week, imagine there is a tiny thread just behind the tippy top of your head in the small indentation. Sense that this thread lifts, tilting the head slightly forward, lowering the chin, releasing the muscles in the front of the neck. The whole, subtle movement feels like falling upward, the spine finds space between the vertebrae, the lungs fill easily, and we feel like our limbs can move freely, dangling from the shoulder girdle and hips.

This week: “Alexaaaaaanderrrr.”

Who was this Alexander and how did he find this powerful tool?

In the wonderful Ken Burns documentary, Jazz, Albert Murray says that Duke Ellington had an “experimental disposition.” That phrase caught me. I paused the screen, startled. I want that! How does one cultivate an experimental disposition? How does one approach everyday events and tasks as if we are inventing them in the moment, so that everything feels alive, new, fresh, unexpected? This week, let’s cultivate an experimental disposition by consciously inviting in the unknown. Read on to hear how composers and scientist beckon the “cloud.”

Do communicators really need to warm up their bodies and voices? Along with breathing, warming up is a place where I feel my clients question my methods. I understand! First, we look and sound really silly. So that’s not normal in an office. Second, nobody else does it, right? And we give talks, lead meetings, have Zoom calls all day long. Without warming up! So why do it?

When we communicate using our bodies, we do it better when our bodies are warmed up. Full stop. Think of an athlete. Would any athlete ever consider running onto the pitch, field, or court without warming up? Would any musician, ever, anywhere, not warm up? Would a singer, dancer, or actor step onto the stage or into the recording studio without warming up? Absolutely not. Why? Because their bodies are the vessels they depend upon to do their activity. And if that body is not ready, warm, practiced, present, there is no way that person can perform well. And guess what, your body is the vessel for your communication. Your posture, your breathe, your voice, your expression, all shift when you warm up. You become more alive, more present, more calm, your voice will be more resonant. Your presence will be more captivating. You will have more impact.

Why wouldn’t we give ourselves that advantage?

Read on for a link to a 3 minute video with a warmup you can do anywhere—in your car, at your desk, in a bathroom stall, anywhere.

Are you afraid of public speaking? Do you become self-conscious in front of a group or the camera? Most of us, even professional actors, feel the same way. But actors have a simple technique taken from the great Stanislavski that reminds us to ask, What am I here To Do?

You can never force yourself to BE anything (“be happy,” “be charismatic,” “be present”). It is a fool’s errand to think that we can control our state of being by just willing it. Rather than “being calm,” we can take a breath. Rather than “being curious,” we ask a question.

This week, we play with actions and intentions. When you find yourself facing a difficult conversation, a presentation, or simply avoiding the boredom of another Zoom meeting, ask yourself, “What do I want to do?” Give yourself an action. To engage. To entice. To lift up. To spark. To give. To understand. To share.

Read the full post with examples of actions at work.