Other People’s Shoes: use your imagination to build empathy

In every part of my professional life, from actor to writer, from therapist and communication coach, I have had to practice the skill of putting myself firmly into a stranger’s shoes without judgement. I must see the world through their particular truths, stories, and experiences. When I find myself judging my client or the character I’m playing—if I just don’t like them, if I simply can’t put my own filters aside—then I can’t do the job. In fact, these are the characters and clients who have the most to teach me. It is a challenge of humility. And it is transformative. Certainly, there have been roles I have turned down and clients I knew I simply couldn’t help—I know my limits.

As a therapist, we start with a “bio-psycho-social” assessment in order to know where to begin with our clients. Are there any medical issues that might influence this person’s experience or behavior? What are the psychological influences? What are the social structures, both historical and current, that impact this person? Building this multifaceted, albeit imperfect and unfinished, knowledge of another person, helps us understand the forces that push, mold, free, and enliven them from a more subjective point of view. And the more we know, the more we might see a way to help them. This is where empathy begins. Even undertaking the assessment begins the journey of our clients feeling “known,” which is healing in itself.

In order to play a role on stage, it is my job to start with my self, me, Kate Bennis with my genetics, my history, my fault-lines, and put myself into the world and life of the character I am playing. Notice that I must bring my full self. That is what makes characters alive; I am not faking or pretending, but bringing my self into the “given circumstances” of the character’s world.

I am a young man. I live in a damp, cold castle and wear itchy woolen tights. I am in-line for the throne, but after my father dies, his brother, my uncle, marries my mother, gaining the throne himself.  I am by nature, a questioner, an observer.  I am Hamlet.

Notice the subjective point of view. No judgement. Now I, Kate Bennis, a 57 year-old woman in 2021, can play Hamlet with authenticity and heart.

This is not to say there isn’t a super-ego or that we lose our selves when we see clients or play a role. Not at all. Our ability to inhabit both worlds is paramount to having true empathy for others: as a therapist, we retain the ability to diagnose a client; as an actor, we are able to play a fight scene without hurting anyone; as a communication coach, we are able to help our clients by reflecting back how their communication impacts others.

This week, play with empathy by putting yourself without judgement into someone else’s shoes…and see what you learn!