Receiving Feedback: the art of what to ask and what to take in
Many years ago I was lucky enough to act in a production with the marvelous British comedienne, Frances Cuka. I adored her. She was a consummate pro and had been acting professionally since she was a young child on the radio, as a teen originating the role of Jo in A Taste of Honey, and then many years in the theater and on BBC television.
The day the rave reviews of her performance came out, I knocked on her dressing room door where she sat drawing on her eyebrows, resplendent in her costume of green silk, red wig, and satin heels.
“Frances! Have you seen the reviews?”
She smiled slightly. “No, darling. No need, thank you.”
I gushed, “But they loved you!”
Frances turned towards me with kind patience:
“Oh, darling. If you believe the good reviews, then you have to believe the bad reviews, too.”
This one line sings out as the truest thing I ever heard. And in some small way, it set me free from the need for external validation and gave me the tools to view criticism with the same balanced scrutiny.
But it begs the question, if we don’t take in the good reviews (feedback, comments, compliments), and we don’t take in the bad reviews (feedback, comments, criticism), then how do we know how we’re doing? How can we be self-aware and know what to work on? How do we grow?
When I work with clients, I give them this advice:
1) Choose who to ask for feedback at what point in the process.
Remember what the composer John Cage wrote in his “rules and hints for students and teachers or anybody else:”
“Rule 8 Do not try to create and analyze at the same time. They are different processes.”
The creative process needs complete support and freedom at the beginning, and only at the end, when there is a clear, strong structure, does it need an editor. So ask yourself, is this the right person to ask at this part of the creative process? Is this someone who understands the creative process themselves and knows how modulate their input? Is this person who has a critical eye? Is this person more of an editor? Maybe ask them towards the end of your process. Is this someone whom you respect? Is this someone who “gets” your work? Is this someone who knows how to give feedback in a way that is productive? Is this someone who is competitive or critical? Best not to solicit from them.
2) When you do ask for feedback, ask for specific feedback.
Most of us want to be helpful, so when asked for advice or feedback we scan for problems and jump in quickly to fix things. In order to avoid our well-meaning friends’ and colleagues’ best intentions, intentions that often result in a list of things that suck, ask for specific feedback. (That is, of course, once you’ve determined WHO you are asking WHEN as in #1).
The most useful question to ask is, “Was anything unclear? Was there anything you did not understand?” Asking about clarity will show you where you might need to take out some jargon, speak louder, make a clearer transition, give an example, or use a story to illustrate your point. And, you are less likely to get feedback that is an opinion, is negative and unhelpful, or too vague to use.
Then, when the song or the talk or the presentation is close to done, when it has lived through many iterations, when it is well on its way to adulthood, then, you go talk to your editor friends!
3) Take it in and try it anyway!
As an actor, I got direction that did not seem right to me. Professional actors don’t argue or push back. They try it out, giving any loopy idea 100%. Only then do we find out if the idea works or not. But DOING IT, not be thinking about doing it. So, sometimes, it’s great to just take in the feedback and give it a go!
Next week: How to give feedback so that others can take it in.