Giving Feedback: 5 steps to giving feedback so others can take it in

While training to be a facilitator at the Ariel Group, I noticed Belle and Kathy, the founders, would draw a line down the center the page to create two columns as they took notes on our work.

On the right they would take notes on “what’s working,” and on the left, “things to work on.”

This simple structure helped them, as trainers and coaches, do two things:

1) Consciously look for things that are working. Like spying a snake in the grass, our tendency is to scan for problems and things to fix. Consciously reminding ourselves to scan for what’s wonderful, what’s working, what is rare and precious in our fellow humans, in their writing, in their presentations, in their personal presence, in their communication, creativity, and leadership, does many things:

• We see others as whole, multifaceted, complex.

• Seeing the whole creates empathy.

• Our positive gaze helps them to see the whole and not to focus on their perceived flaws.

• We learn to value the beauty of human imperfection in others and in ourselves.

• And as a practical tool, when we load up on what IS working before launching in to work on something, the other person is ready, open, trusting. We’ve created fertile soil.

2) Phrase our feedback as “things to work on,” instead of as problems to fix, character flaws, things to change or stop doing, it allows us to:

• Separate our judgements and opinions from the person and focus on behaviors and actions.

• Give the other person something practical TO DO.

3) Give feedback that is active and positive. That last piece, “something TO DO,” is really important.

• It is a verb, an action.

• It is framed in the positive.

We can’t not do something. It’s like the scene in Cyrano de Bergerac when Christian is warned not to mention Cyrano’s enormous nose. Of course, he just can’t help himself and talks about it non-stop! Focusing our attention on what NOT to do (“Don’t say ‘um',”’ Don’t sway,” “Don’t look down,”), is like a strong magnet, pulling us towards the thing we are supposed to suppress or avoid!

Instead, focusing on one thing to work on, is a positive, active, direction. Instead of the negative frame above, we can ask our coachee to take a breath before they speak, ground their feet, look at the audience.

4) Give people one thing to work on at a time. I know, I’m type A, too—we often want to off-load our whole list at once. Not only can that be overwhelming and make the challenges even more challenging, but it is often not needed. The key is to find one thread that pulls the whole web. This one thing often involves playing with intention. So instead of a long list of negative complaints and vague requests (“Look people in the eye,” “Stop mumbling,” “Be more engaging.”), we might ask this person to find out something interesting about each of their direct reports. Or to make sure that the person sitting at the far end of the conference table can hear and understand everything they are saying. One note.

5) Think carefully about what feedback to give when. There are times for feedback that is overarching, time for feedback that is detail-oriented, time for NO feedback at all. At the very beginning of a project and the very end, it is best to simply say, “This is wonderful. Go play.”

In the middle, we start with a more experimental attitude and build to more precise and concrete feedback.

The beginning of a project: no feedback, just support.

Having the singer-songwriter, Dar Williams, as a dear friend for many years has taught me to hold all of my opinions, ideas, doubts, and confusion while a song is gestating. I remember sitting in her warm, winter living room while she told me her idea for a new song, something about the ocean speaking, depression, naivete, maybe boots? It was poetic, yet abstract. I just couldn’t find the thread of the story. I wrestled with what to say and ended up with, “I love it. Write that song.” And, of course, once the song was born, I was astonished at its beauty. Now, as a mother of a budding singer-songwriter, I am comfortable just listening and saying, “It’s wonderful. Write that song.”

The ending of a project: no feedback, just a reminder to breathe, connect, and sway.

One of my clients complained that her boss stands at the back of the room and signals to her during her presentations to speed up or look at the audience. Oy vey. NO. This well-intentioned boss is creating anxiety, makes the speaker self-conscious, and derails the talk. For any performance coaching, my rule of thumb is: no feedback at all starting 24 hours before any presentation or difficult conversation. That sacred time is the time for the speaker to integrate all the work, take care of themselves, warm up, and focus. The talk is cooked and it needs to rest.

Of course, if you are a pro and are about to do your 3000th performance of Cats, we might need to throw some new stuff at you last minute! I’ll discuss this in next weeks post on, “keeping it fresh!”