This photo illustrates everything I want to share about having sway in relationships: the four dear friends deeply connected, their arms wrapped tight, embracing, girding, protecting, and yet separate, each individual freely expresses their own, joy, mischief, exuberance. In this series we have been playing with techniques to cultivate sway in our bodies, our content, and our work. A deep grounding, like tree roots, allows for strong branches to dance with the elements. How does this principal apply to relationships? How do we create relationships that sway, adapt, change, relationships that are deeply grounded, yet responsive to the dynamic elements of life? Read on…

“Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.” — Gustave Flaubert. I love this quote from Flaubert. It makes me think of the small, repetitive movements of a farmer moving along a row of earth, planting seed after seed after seed, orderly and regular. The farmer knows that this calm and mundane routine will coax wild roots to descend and twisting tendrils to wind their way skyward.

All of the work we do together—in blog posts, trainings, coaching sessions, key notes—has the same message: prepare, become fluent, then play.

In the workplace, this means…Read on.

On January 1, 2023, this post appeared. That morning, one year ago, as I contemplated the forthcoming year, I announced what I wanted. And it surprised me. I’d asked this question of myself quite a few times since discovering the yellowed cardboard with my mother’s particular penmanship after her death. Nothing I’d announced had hit just right. Mostly, I answered with things I thought I should want, or things that my inner Facebook-Ad-Life-Coach thought I should want: “To work with famous clients who are doing good in the world, like Michelle Obama, Greta Thunberg, Doctor’s Without Borders, Kamala Harris, and Malala Yousafzai.” It sounded great, to reach high as I entered the Empty Nest years. But it didn’t feel great. It felt superficial. I’m already working with people and organizations who expertly, thoughtfully, passionately, doggedly, make positive change for us all. I am constantly amazed, challenged, awakened, and thrilled by their purpose, their words, their vital work in the world. I am honored to work with them. I am grateful. It is more than enough. So, on the first day of 2023 the surprising thing I found myself announcing, out-loud, to the quiet morning kitchen was::…Read on.

Yesterday, in the rush-hour, holiday, crush of manic grocery-buying, I saw a man with one item join the long line behind me and my laden cart. I told him he could go before me. The woman in front of me offered the same, so he got right to the front of the line. He bought his item and left. The woman in front of me unloaded her cart and as she prepared to pay, the cashier said, “That man left 50.00 towards your groceries.” She was warmed and surprised. She asked if the store had a way to donate the money and then offered the 50.00 to their Food Bank drive. As you have probably guessed, when it came time for me to pay, the cashier smiled and said, “He left another 50 for you.” Ours went to the Food Bank, too. My daughter and I left with so many emotions and thoughts. Mostly a wave joy and gratitude. And the spark of play. “I wish I could have run outside and thanked him! I can’t believe this! …Read on.

My office-mate, Elisa Wood, energy writer, editor, and publisher, has this stickie note on the computer where she regularly hosts virtual meetings, conferences, and interviews. “Talk slower,” is her kindly nudge from her composed self to her harried self. She knows her communication habit: she speeds up when anxious, when excited, when raring to go. My tendency is to do the same thing during talks and trainings—gallop breathlessly ahead. My inner stickie note is a mantra: …Read on.

In this photo of the extraordinary actor/writer/director, Priyanka Shetty, notice her eyes. Notice her warmth, her depth, her open connection with…the camera? No! Priyanka is looking, it seems, right into our own eyes. Of course, in reality, she is looking into a cylindrical piece of glass. There is a skill to creating that intimacy—to remembering that though we see a piece of machinery, our audience will feel that we see THEM. Virtual communication offers us the chance to get cosy, create a sense of intimacy and connection with others. Think of a great actor in a film close-up. We see every emotion, every thought, we sense their humanity and feel their presence. We feel close to them. In virtual meetings, we rarely take advantage of this ripe opportunity. Rather, we tend to…Read on.

I am totally obsessed with the improvised swing dance competitions. The contestants are paired randomly, a song begins, and they have a minute or two to create a dance. Before the music begins, they physically connect. There is a sense of danger and play. Upon hearing the music, one of them tosses out a stylistic gesture that becomes a theme and both lead and follow using the very strict form of swing dance. They know exactly what to expect and have no idea what will happen. They have sway.

In the same way that we must be rooted in order to find sway in our bodies, we must have a structure in order to find sway in the content of our talks, agendas, and even tricky conversations.

In the post, Memorizing vs. Knowing a Talk, we looked at finding the balance between the rigid monotony that can come from memorizing and the inconsistency that can come from “winging it.” The balance is found, once more, in form and freedom. Preparation matters. Form matters. Only then, can we let go and play with abandon. Ask a professional improvisor how many years of study and hours of rehearsal have they clocked in order to become fluent enough in the form to find their sway. The form I like for most presentations and speeches is…Read on.

I vividly remember my grandmother, Kay, in the months before she died. Her lovely, papery skin, her mischievous blue eyes and bobbing brows, her long silver hair falling about her shoulders. In the mornings, she would twist it up with hairpins, slowly, but with the muscle memory of a life-time of this gesture. People would gather at her house most evenings, after an event, talking late into the night. By the end of the day, her feet had swollen terribly, so someone would hand her a finger of gin, take her feet onto their lap, slip off the binding shoes and medical stockings, and massage her precious feet. Feet that had danced with Isadora Duncan. Or, as she would correct me, “FOR Isadora Duncan. No one danced WITH Isadora.” Barefooted and briefly free of the pain and watery constraints, she would rise, her stance growing into the earth, her arms moving like soft ocean waves, and she would dance for us. Even as she stretched towards 90, walking slowly, holding tightly to an offered arm, pausing to rest at each step, my grandmother’s body had sway. To communicate with sway, we start with finding sway in our own bodies. This week:…Read on.

GLENDOWER:

“I can call spirits from the vasty deep.”

HOTSPUR:

“Why, so can I, or so can any man;

But will they come when you do call for them?”

--William Shakespeare, Henry IV, Part I—

Will they? Will they come when we do call for them? Will they be swayed by our words?  Will they change their minds?  Will they take action? Will they? What we say is important.  But how we say it determines its impact. How can we speak so that others will, not only listen, but will be swayed, moved, changed, by our words? My work with clients draws from the world of performance where artists have developed techniques that ground us in a clear structure, so that our work is free, present, agile, fluid, unexpected, human.  It sways.  Like a tree, deeply rooted, so that the branches are free to play with the wind, the birds, the buds, the storms, and seasons. We start by… Read on.

Thomas Woltz, the extraordinary landscape architect, is also an extraordinary speaker. He carries himself with a dignity and calm strength and is a perfect example of someone who “magnetizes in.” His stillness and poise are riveting. We are pulled towards his words. In his Charlottesville TEDx Talk, we can see this calm strength, feel the dignity, and the magentic pull of our attention. On January 1, 2023, I began a year-long on-line program with Rick Hanson called, The Foundations of Well-Being. Rick is a psychologist and mindfulness practitioner. In many of the weekly practices, he uses the phrases “calm strength” and “sitting with a sense of dignity.” As I sit for the practices, I feel my spine unfurl, the crown of my head grow towards the sky, my ribs expand. As the physical sensation of dignity and calm strength spreads through my body, an inner sense of dignity and calm strength takes root. I walk, stand, speak, from this place. Calm strength and dignity are qualities that people associate with presence, charisma, power, poise, and trust. Simply do this, every morning for a few minutes before we begin our day…Read on.

A year ago exactly, I wrote a post inspired by a dear friend, Deborah Lawrence about how to make friends. This past weekend I read a “Top Ten Things to Say to Make Friends” list written by a cherished family friend, Zoie. Zoie has many talents—she is a communicator, a community-maker, a leader (her school paper recently published an article about Zoie titled, “A New Leader Arrives”), and a very good friend to many. She listens deeply, answers every text within minutes, speaks out with courage, and is an unwavering, undaunted, supporter of the successes of others. A true friend. With her permission, I publish her list here. …Read on.

Here are a few things I always bring to events…Read on.

Yesterday a client asked what kind of chairs the panelists would sit in—she was concerned that they would be the typical “club chairs” favored by many organizations: over-sized, deep-seated, bulky arm chairs. She was wise to ask. Club chairs are perfect for anyone six foot and over. The rest of us (the average height for men in the US is 5’9” and for women, is 5’4”) can find ourselves swallowed up, lost in the nether reaches, falling deeper and deeper into the chair and struggling to pull ourselves out. On stage, we want to be present, alert, poised, and full of confidence. What to do?…Read on.

One very strange feature of virtual communication, aside from needing to look into a camera lens in order to have “eye contact,” is that we are asked to look at OURSELVES while interacting with others! It’s distracting, to say the least. Unnerving! And, did I say, distracting? Whether working with my clients on in-person or virtual communication, we use skills and techniques that consciously put our focus on the other, on the audience. So having our own visage mirror us, woo us, pull our focus, tease and antagonize us, adds a challenge to virtual communication. It’s hard to be present. And can make us feel anxious. So what can we do about the distraction of ourselves on our computer screens? Read on…

A friend recently said she was having a hard time fitting into the corporate world after leaving academia. She said she was “trying to be more professional.” When I asked what that meant, she said, “Somber. Serious.” She had been on a panel and found herself laughing, challenging, and enjoying the repartee. Reports are that she thrilled the audience with her wit and brazen candor. When we force ourselves into any external idea of how we should be, we end up with a two-dimensional, rigid, stock character. Rather than forcing ourselves into an idea of what a “professional” looks like (or sounds like!), I work with my clients to allow a free and alive presence, that is also appropriate to the situation. Many of us fear that if we are authentic, we will be inappropriate. Not so. As long as we are clear about…Read on.

This is just ridiculous. Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin with this. Ludicrous. Is the point to dehumanize our audience so we feel superior? To humiliate them? To infantilize them? Make them less threatening? Why do we think of the audience as an adversary to begin with? And how indeed do we hope to force ourselves to see something that isn’t even there? Should we ignore the dressed audience? Look away or over their heads? Squint? Sheesh. What a waste of everyone’s time to focus energy on what isn’t there when we could be falling in love with our audience, including our audience, giving a gift to our audience, engaging, embracing, dancing, playing with our audience. If we are scared, as most of us are, of speaking in public, there are many, many wonderful skills and techniques we can use to help us enjoy our time in the limelight. The basics are…Read on.

There is a myth out there that public speakers must be WILDLY ENERGETIC!!!! Like Tony Robbins. ALL THE TIME! Some people caffeinate, put on loud music, jump up and down, frantically pump themselves up for every talk. They will actually say, “I need to be anxious to have a good performance,” and worry if they are calm. I promise you, a caffeinated, anxious, intensely pumped up performance is not a great performance. What distinguishes a talk or performance is…Read on.

Is this how we want to leave our audience? Propped up and stifling a yawn? It’s true, there’s no stated rule that says talks must be boring (unlike the oft touted rule that talks need to “be redundant”). But in many cases my clients feel an unspoken expectation to be boring. They believe that lectures should be full of jargon. They believe that keynotes should be long, “high-level” (unspecific), and demand nothing from the audience because we all know that keynotes come after lunch and people need to digest. In recent weeks I have heard:…Read on.

I am proud to tell you that in my family I am know affectionately(?) as a “scofflaw.” I’m happy to break any rule that seems silly in the name of fun. My card-shark persona, “Krazy Kate” flouts the logistical and mathematical rules of any card game to such a degree that people wonder whether there is some insane brilliance behind the manic betting. There is not. I simply love to play with abandon. There are rules of public speaking I would like all of us to break with wild abandon. The first one is so ingrained in the lexicon of public speaking that it has become an automatic, habitual, and annoying tick. The over-used rule is: “Be redundant.” Please don’t. Unless you are Lady Redundant Woman, of course! We are told to…Read on.

If Tom Peters, renowned author of many best-selling books on business including, In Search of Excellence, were to say that he is good at anything—writing, teaching, connecting with others—he would have to admit that all of his skills come together when he is on stage giving a talk. I am honored to know Tom and often pick his brain about the skills and techniques that make him so compelling. He is always, “generous company.” Below are just a few of the tips he has shared over the years. And, trust me, there will be additions long after publication of this post! Tom is never done generating ideas! We begin here…Read on.