Confidence

“The first way, the last way, the never-failing way to develop self-confidence in speaking is…to speak.  Really, the whole matter finally simmers down but one essential: practice, practice, practice.”

--Dale Carnegie, Public Speaking for Success

We often use the term ‘confidence’ to paint a wide swath, as in, “she is so confident,” “they exude confidence,” “I need to build my confidence.” What I love about the quote above from Dale Carnegie is that he reminds us that we build confidence in one area at a time and that all it takes is practice. This idea that someone just has confidence or lacks confidence is misleading. We can be a confident skateboarder and lack confidence in skiing. We can have confidence in our ability to make friends and lack confidence in our ability to negotiate a contract. We can be confident in the classroom and lack confidence in the court of law.

In communication, we count on repetition: we say ‘yes’ to every opportunity and rehearse like mad. We rack up experience and put in the hours of preparation. And we become more confident.

I would add that the more confident we are in any arena, the more we must remind ourselves of the humility of the beginner lest we move from confidence to arrogance. We always hope to hold onto that glimmer of fear, of insecurity, of doubt. That is what keeps us alive to the moment and connected to others! The wild cards! The things we cannot control! We remain completely present and receptive. When we find ourselves over-confident, we lose that glimmer of uncertainty and we cut off from others and the possibilities that uncertainty offers.

So let’s be clear about our definition of confident.

The way I use the term is having a balance between owning, using, sharing, showing our skills, and hiding, squandering, distrusting our skills.

Confident people listen and make space for others, they do not dominate. Confident people share their skills; they are generative and generous.

Confident people do not hold back their expertise, they own it and contribute it. There is no false modesty, no apology for taking up space, and yet they have the ability to admit they’re wrong, to take responsibility, to share the stage, to lift others up, and change course when something isn’t working.

Confidence, like poise, authenticity, and presence, is actually made up of many skills we can practice.

This week, think of a few people who we admire and who exude confidence in the realm of communication.

Ask ourselves:

• What are they doing that makes us think they are confident?

• How do they use their body? How do they move? Are they still or fluid?

• How do they communicate? Eyes, expression, voice? What are they doing that we can practice?

• Do they listen? Contribute?

• Are we confusing confidence for bluster?

• Do they appear confident in all realms or a few?

• What skills are they practicing?

Then, we ask ourselves, what can we learn from their presence that we would like to integrate? What skills do we want to practice to become more confident communicators?