Things we can let go of: managing others’ expectations

The idea that we can control the way others feel is, of course, folly. And managing others’ expectations is a folly of monumental proportions!

“I don’t want them to get their hopes up. What if they don’t make the team?”

“I’m afraid that they’ll be disappointed if we can’t afford it. So I don’t want to even float the idea.”

“I worry that if I give them a raise, they’ll expect a bigger office, too.”

“I don’t even want to say yes to coffee—what if they think I’m interested in being more than friends?”

When we found out I was pregnant at age 39 after almost a year of trying, I guarded the news closely to “manage the expectations” of everyone—my parents, my siblings, my husband’s parents and siblings, my friends. Why? I did not want to get their hopes up! Because I might lose the child. And they would be devastated! Or I would be devastated? Of course, it was all about me. A wise therapist reminded me of this, saying: “These are the people who will celebrate with you and the people who will mourn with you. You do not have to manage their emotions or expectations.”

I keep re-learning this lesson. As a parent, I am reminded every day that my projected fears, my protective impulses to keep our kids from experiencing even the slightest hurt/loss/regret, are my own issue. I can no more manage my children’s expectations than I can manage their lives! And let’s face it, trying to manage my kids’ expectations instills insecurity, keeps them from taking healthy risks, and has more to do with my own fears than anything. I practice a diligent, daily unwinding of what is mine and what is theirs to own.

This week, notice when we attempt to manage the expectations of others and let that go. It is folly and speaks more about our own expectations than theirs….